It’s the middle of the summer, and you shouldn’t be on the internet, but you are anyway. You’re scrolling through the Hellsite we all love, that’s right, twitter dot com, and you see this:
what have you done to will #9WINDIANA into existence today— crimson quarry (@crimsonquarry) June 25, 2019
What does this mean? Is this some sort of code? Should I be concerned that the person behind these Posts is having a medical incident? Maybe!
HOLD YOUR HATS, BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR US TO PULL THE LEVERS OF THE CRIMSON QUARRY BIT MACHINE. WELCOME TO NINE WIN INDIANA, THE EXPLAINER.
WHAT IS #9WINDIANA?
Hey man great happy to explain thanks for coming thanks for asking. Broadly, #9WINDIANA is a neatly-branded hashtag represent to represent a radical belief known as ‘Nine Win Indiana.’ Within this belief structure commonly held by people that spend far too much time neglecting interpersonal relationships in favor of Posting Online, Indiana can and will win nine games in this upcoming 2019 collegiate football season. It is not a commonly held belief, nor one accepted by the football community at large. That is immaterial.
It’s June, it’s hot, nothing matters. The Indiana Football Hoosiers are going to win nine stupid football games in the 2019 season. Why not!? We’re through the Overton Window, the planet is dying, the president is the Large Wet Man from Home Alone 2. Hell is dark and hot. Tom Crean is gone. You stopped reading this blog two years ago because we’re all out of bits and energy, this is the cheapest way back.
Indiana football’s winning nine games nerd, get in.
MAN THAT SEEMS LIKE IT COULD’VE JUST TAKEN A SENTENCE TO SAY
Fair point! But, remember, Nine Win Indiana stretches far beyond this simple series of 13 football games upcoming.
Nine Win Indiana is anything you want it to be. It’s any semi-cogent, completely batshit in-person tweet thread articulated by a moderately-intoxicated individual that is COMPLETELY bought in. It’s your uncle’s rant on how he’s going to get rich on the Iraqi dinar. Your coworker who’s completely in on Blockchain, But For Dogs. Standing on a very small, bizzare corner to hold out that Maneater, not Promiscuous, was the best song on Nelly Furtado’s 2006 album Loose.
OKAY FINE, WHERE DID THIS IDEA ORIGINATE FROM
Uhhhhhh somewhere in the ballpark between 3-7 beers waiting out a flight delay. Am I now banned from the AmEx lounge at SFO? PERHAPS. Is the bartender aware that Indiana opens with three eminently winnable games followed by a softer-than-usual conference schedule? DEFINITELY.
DUDE IS THIS A BIT OR ARE YOU SERIOUS
I don’t know.
MAN, COME ON, DO YOU MEAN THIS OR IS INDIANA ACTUALLY GOING TO WIN NINE GAMES THIS YEAR
Nine Win Indiana, is, again, a belief structure. It is a way in which to organize your world — the Sun is Antwaan Randle El, the Moon is Bill Lynch’s gum, and the Stars are a small smattering of Kelley grads from 2010 ranting incoherently about The Tyler Sash Interception.
Is it realistically possible that Indiana wins nine games this season? Please stop it’s not time for the rant yet.
OKAY THIS SEEMS FUN, YOU ARE CONVINCING ME
Ha. Ha, ha. Ha. Depends do you also like all of your romantic relationships collapsing into a pile of garbage in a wildly disappointing yet incredibly predictable way. IF SO KEEP READING.
ARE THERE OTHER SYMPTOMS OF #9WINDIANA
Loss of close friendships, delusions of grandeur, palpitations, deep-seated self-hate, trust issues, high blood pressure, “roman health numbing wipes” appearing in the search history.
OKAY, FINE, I’M IN. HOW DO I CONVINCE RANDOM PASSERBY THAT INDIANA WILL WIN NINE FOOTBALL GAMES IN THE 2019 SEASON
You’ll need to deliver The Rant. You’ll need three Michelob Ultras, access to a TouchTunes jukebox that permits Soulja Boy’s 2009 critically acclaimed hit ‘Gucci Bandanna,’ and access to a Google screenshot of Indiana’s 2019 football schedule.
OKAY I’VE FOUND THE SUGGESTED RESOURCES, PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THE ARGUMENT.
[unfolds binder as if i’m a Very Important professor] Thank you.
Let’s start simple.
Ball State, Eastern Illinois, UConn. Birds could be moderately annoying, but all should be relative cakewalks. That’s a sweep of the non-con and three wins. Six to go.
ONE of Ohio State or Michigan State. [This is when you go into full Larry Poff voice]. This year is OUR year. J
eff Garcia Mike Penix baby. He’s it baby. Okay, seriously, you’ll get Ohio State at home, which always gets weird. A downward-trending Sparty on the road. Why not dude whatever. Four.
Then the fun starts. HELLO, CHARITABLE SCHEDULE MOMENTUM GODS.
Big trash Rutger team for Homecoming. WIN. Five.
A Mike Locksley coached team on the road. WIN. BOWL ELIGIBILITY IN OCTOBER.
Fingers crossed for a still kinda buttcheeks Nebraska team. WIN. SEVEN.
At this point, I’d like to note that you’re looking at a 7-1 Indiana team here in late October. I’m laughing, you’re laughing, why are you calling the cops.
SHOUTING SHOULD BEGIN BUILDING NOW. INDIANA. NORTHWESTERN. BOTH CONTENDING FOR A CONFERENCE TITLE. IN BLOOMINGTON. 38-13 LOSS. HOLD AT SEVEN.
NOW WE START THE SPIRAL, PENN STATE IN HAPPY VALLEY. LOSS, HOLD AT SEVEN.
AH YES, HERE WE ARE, THE MOMENT, THE CRESCENDO. MAKE SURE THIS PART HITS THE SHAWTY LO VERSE OF GUCCI BANDANNA AS YOU DROP IT IN. JIM HARBAUGH LOSES TO INDIANA IN BLOOMINGTON TO SEAL HIS FATE. TOM CREAN IS IN THE PRESS BOX IN MICHIGAN GEAR. CRIMSON QUARRY RUNS THE GAMER WITH THE HEADLINE ‘YOU HELPED WRECK THE PROGRAM’ OVER A PICTURE OF HARBAUGH HEADED BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM. THIS IS REALLY CONCERNING THAT I CAN GO INTO THIS LEVEL OF DETAIL. EIGHT.
LOSE THE BUCKET. HOLD AT EIGHT.
BEAT, UHH, MISSISSIPPI STATE IN THE MUSIC CITY BOWL. NINE AND FOUR INDIANA.
Congrats, you’ve completed the rant now and are now in state custody.
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ANY FOOTBALL REASONS FOR THIS?
Buddy we’ve got all summer to unpack that, keep clicking the links so we can eat please.