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I paid a psychic to consult the spirits of the beyond to see if Indiana would qualify for the NCAA Tournament

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Why settle for the bracketology guessing game when you can ask a psychic directly?

NCAA Basketball: Final Four-Features Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Did you know that in 2019 you can just download an app and talk to psychics? No longer are we forced to surreptitiously shuffle through the seedier parts of town in search of a palm reading.

This is not an ad for the Kasamba app. An ad for the Kasamba app will play prior to most ASMR videos on YouTube and offer you three free minutes to chat with a psychic, so I decided to use my three minutes to figure out whether or not Indiana is going to make the NCAA Tournament. I could have asked this psychic about ANYTHING and chose to burn my free minutes for you people.

And— for content.

LET’S LOG ON.

There were dozens of psychics to pick from but none of them looked as suspiciously like a TA from one of my religious studies courses as Mioav, so she was the easy pick. She was also a mere $3.00 per minute in case this question took us to overtime (spoiler alert: it did). Some of these psychics were charging over $40 PER MINUTE which is an absolutely incredible grift and I have nothing but respect for it.

Mioav wanted to open with small talk but I was on a MISSION. There is no time for idle chit chat when we have an at-large bid hanging in the balance.

If someone on the internet is asking for your name and date of birth they’re scanning for active warrants. So heads up— the Kasamba app is full of COPS.

Me, being an idiot, provided all that information without a second thought. Hell, I didn’t even have a first thought. I had a singular focus on finding out if my basketball team was going to get to lose to Buffalo in round 1 or not. Mioav could have asked for my social security number and it’d be hers. I’ll give you the deed to my house just start GAZING INTO THE BEYOND.

Things really hit the skids here. Not only did she not see anything in her consultation of the stars, spirits, first couple Google hits on bracketology, etc. that led her to believe that Indiana would make the field, she refused to be concrete about her response. I am starting to think that psychic readings are not an ironclad means of figuring out what is going to happen to you in the future.

And then to make matters worse she ends the session by dunking me through the floor by trash-talking my energies! MY ENERGIES BLEED CREAM AND CRIMSON, MIOAV. I HAD TO SIT THROUGH THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF TOM CREAN AND GRADUATED BEFORE THE PAYOFF. DO YOU THINK THAT’S HEALTHY FOR MY ENERGIES?!

So there you have it— Indiana probably isn’t making the NCAA Tournament and I’m a bad fan. Really rough start to the weekend for ya boy.