Hi there, fellow IU fans. I know you’ve heard a lot of speculation in the media recently about Tom Crean’s job status. And I know there’s been some outlandish statements from the FAKE NEWS MEDIA recently about this, such as “There’s no conceivable way he comes back next year” or “He’ll leave on his own for the Mizzou job” or “Rutger actually won a B1G Tourney game last night.”
Well I’m here to tell you that all of this is preposterous. In fact, I’ve developed a very easy 10-step solution for how Tom Crean can keep his job at Indiana! Here’s how it goes:
1. Beat Iowa tonight
This is the first domino to fall. I know Iowa comes into the Big Ten Tourney hot and that they even have an outside chance of making the NCAA Tourney, but can you imagine how red Fran McCaffery’s face will be if Peter Jok isn’t called for a foul every time he touches the ball? Beat the Hawkeyes - that’s Step 1.
2. Beat Wisconsin tomorrow
Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking. IU never beats Wisconsin. But never say never, and the Badgers limped towards the end of the season but still got a 2-seed in the Big Ten Tournament because this season the conference is very ba-(Purdue fans hurl torches and pitchforks at me). I don’t know how but just get by Wisconsin. Survive and advance.
3. Win Big Ten Semifinal on Saturday
The Hoosiers probably will get Maryland if they reach the semis, so by all accounts this is an away game. Good thing this IU team has never, ever struggled on the road! Or in the Big Ten Tournament. Oh well. Just keep following the plan, Tom.
4. Win Big Ten Final on Sunday
If the Hoosiers win the Big Ten Tourney and no one is in the Verizon Center to watch it, does it still count? Yes! Especially when that means an auto-bid to the dance and what would likely be a victory over Purdue. Clinch that autobid and Crean is 4/10ths of the way towards keeping his job!
5. Win first round NCAA Tournament game
Sweet! They’ve made the tourney and with a 21-14 record that’s probably good enough to pull an 8 or a 9 seed. Ironically enough, Indiana’s opponent for this game might be Dayton. The Hoosiers win, and Crean is halfway towards his goal.
6. Win second round NCAA Tournament game
Actually this step’s real easy. The Hoosiers would face a 1-seed in this game. Kansas and UNC are both potential 1-seeds right now. And IU has already beaten both of them, so why not do it to one of them again? Indiana advances.
7. Overcome those Sweet 16 demons once and for all
Ahh yes, that dang Sweet 16 seems to foil Tom Crean all the time. But this year things could be different - who knows, maybe a 12-seed sneaks into the Sweet 16 or a 5-seed completely breaks down or IU’s opponent gets food poisoning and can’t play? I mean look - yesterday PSG blew a 4-0 lead, the Falcons blew a 25-point Super Bowl lead, and the Warriors and Indians both blew 3-1 leads. If all this crazy stuff can happen then sure, why not say that Crean completes Step 7 in wins in the Sweet 16? Let’s just hope the opponent isn’t Syracuse.
8. Defeat Kentucky in Elite 8 because of course it will be Kentucky
Kentucky’s projected to be a 2-seed right now, so IU would likely match up with them in the Elite 8. Why not say he’ll beat the Wildcats again? In a fit of rage postgame, John Calipari quits UK for the Pelicans job. Meanwhile, Crean’s onto his second-ever Final Four and has completed Step 8 out of 10.
9. Win Final Four game
Almost there, Tom! You can do this!
10. Win National Championship
Wow, the Hoosiers actually did it. To end a run for the ages, Indiana defeated Villanova, won its sixth banner, and finally restored the glory of old IU. At last, Tom Crean has completed Step 10 of his 10-step plan and is handsomely rewarded with a new contract! He has officially saved his job! Now Crean can focus on the important stuff that he’s best at, such as getting rings for the team, cutting down the nets, and hanging a banner that says “2017 Indiana Hoosiers: NCAA’s #1 All-Time March Madness Cinderella Team.”
He leaves the next day to take the N.C. State job.