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Indiana must fire Tom Crean, pursue Wario

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I’M A WARIO! I’MA GONNA WIN!

Tom Crean’s job status sure is a hot commodity these days. Last year, the team won the Big Ten title, its second in four years. This year, however, they are 15-11, despite wins over Kansas and North Carolina earlier in the season. They’ve fallen to 5-8 in the Big Ten, a garbage basketball conference, and if the Hoosiers lose at Minnesota tonight, they’ll at best finish .500 in the conference. Despite the injuries to OG Anunoby and Collin Hartman, this is not an acceptable season for the Hoosiers.

Fred Glass has a decision to make this offseason. And if he decides to replace Tom Crean after 9 seasons at the helm of IU basketball, there’s only one name that comes to mind for his replacement.

Wario.

Originally the villain to Mario and Luigi until he later branched off into his own successful franchises, Wario has the credentials - and the experience - to take over a prestigious job like Indiana basketball. The Hoosiers could use a coach with the cunning skill and expertise that it took to get past Captain Syrup in the seminal Nintendo game Wario Land. In addition, Wario’s attitude, boastfulness, and braggadocio will be a great asset for a program that is looking to get its swagger back.

It won’t be easy getting someone like Wario to come to Bloomington. Kitchen Island has been Wario’s home for almost 25 years, and they’ll be sure to drive a hard bargain. Wario was rumored to have been offered several Power 5 jobs in recent years as well, most notably the Texas job in 2015 and the Illinois job in 2012, but has turned these down. But with IU’s boosters seemingly willing to shell out money for a new coach, as well as the revenue streams from merchandise and the Big Ten’s TV contracts, the money is there if the Hoosiers want to pursue a big time name like Wario.

And who can forget Wario’s greatest triumph, which is when I was playing as his character in Mario Kart 64 against my cousins 15 years ago. I fired a blue shell on Rainbow Road to knock my oldest cousin (playing as Yoshi) out of the lead and took command of first place in the final lap, claiming a huge victory and the Special Cup trophy, as well as bragging rights at every Thanksgiving for the rest of time.

Finally, Indiana needs a winner. And Wario’s rallying cry - I’MA GONNA WIN! - will be a perfect slogan for a team that hasn’t won a banner in 30 years. Wario’s coaching staff will be stacked too - rumor is that he would plan to bring Waluigi, his longtime assistant, with him to any potential new job.

We should be thankful of Tom Crean getting this program to the level where it’s at after 9 years. He’s rebuilt a proud program from the ground up, had some very successful seasons, and many of his recruits have gone onto the pros. But if the Hoosiers want to get their program to the next level, it’s time to bring in a new coach.

Time to bring in Wario.