(Simon Skjodt Assembly Hall, late Sunday night)
Archie Miller (to himself): Ohhh boy, tough weekend to start off things here. First got run out the gym against Indiana State? Fans booing in the first game? Then Howard hung with us?
Man, they weren’t kidding when they said this job was tough!
Only can go up from here, right? I don’t know. That upcoming schedule is no fun and we gotta go play a ranked Seton Hall team in NEW JERSEY this week!
I better recruit Romeo Langford here - otherwise the fans might run me out of town like they did with the last guy –
(a voice calls out from above)
Tom Crean (incredibly tan): DID I JUST HEAR MY NAME?!?
Miller: Wh- who’s that? I know it’s late at night but I didn’t know this venue was... haunted.
Crean: I didn’t call it the Haunted Hall of Hoops for nothing now, did I!
How’s it going, Archie? It’s me, Tom! See you’re off to a rough start huh? Lost to an in-state mid-major, huh? Trust me, I know all about that.
But try GOING 6-25 IN YOUR FIRST SEASON while under a mountain of sanctions! Doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
Miller: Look, I know that we took the program over at different times, but man, I’m struggling out there! We can’t make a free throw! Our opponents are hitting all their threes!
Miller: Well come on man, you coached here, don’t you have any advice?!?!?
Miller: Whatever, Tom. Lay it on me.
Crean: Alright, now listen to me and maybe YOU can coach here for 9 years as well! So, I know you have a pretty famous relative, right?
Crean: (smirks) Did you know I have...... two?
Miller: YES TOM I KNOW ALL ABOUT HOW THE HARBAUGHS
Crean: See my point is - use your brother to your advantage! Talk about him! Get him involved!
Miller: I don’t know how that’s possible Tom - Sean’s got his team to deal with right now, and Arizona’s going through some issues of their own at the moment.
Crean: Hmm. I got another idea then.
So, I know the defense hasn’t been great so far. But you know what you gotta do, Arch?
Miller: What’s that Tom?
Crean: Play less of it.
Crean: Yeah you heard me. Play less defense! Game’s won by getting shots in the basket and everyone loves a fun offense that shoots a lot of threes! Don’t worry about that part of the ball - it’ll come eventually!
Know what’s funny? Jim spends all his time at Michigan caring about defense and look where that’s gotten him! He hasn’t even finished better than third in his own division! Ha, what a nerd!
Miller: Okay, enough about Jim Harbaugh! I’ll consider it.
(completely forgets about idea within 5 minutes)
Well, what else you got for me?
Crean: One more thing. What do you like to drink?
Miller: Well every so often I like to have a beer after a long day –
Crean: But you can’t drink that on the sideline! You need a signature drink like me. You can’t do Diet Coke because that’s my thing, but how about...
Diet Dr. Pepper!
Miller: Well Tom, I can’t say I was predicting these would be your morsels of advice, but if I follow precisely zero of these, I hope I can look forward to a long career in Bloomington.
Crean: Just don’t play Syracuse, okay?
Miller: Duly noted.
(Balcony door flies open, old-school cell phone jingle is heard)
Kelvin Sampson: I don’t know what you guys are talking about! This job’s easy, really - as long as you don’t get caught!
(pulls out 2005-era flip phone)
Just use one of these bad boys and you can get every recruit you want!
Crean: Kelvin, how’d you get back in here?
Sampson: Show cause is over, I’m BACK BABYYYY! Hold on a sec, gotta answer this call!
Miller: Yeah that seems like a recipe for disaster.
(Raises his voice)
Anyone ELSE hiding out in this arena?
Mike Davis: Listen Arch, forget what these guys are saying. You gotta enjoy these first two seasons! Because it all goes downhill after that!
Oh, and if you do make it into the title game, make sure Juan Dixon isn’t on the opposing team.
Miller: Well, that sure is comforting!
Crean: Oh yeah, one more thing. Even if you do eventually win a title, don’t expect Bob Knight to ever show up.
Davis: Unless there’s a Purdue event or Trump rally in here!
Miller: One last question – any of you guys know how to win the Big Ten Tournament?
(the building is silent)
Miller: I’ll take that as a no.
(Miller starts walking out of Assembly Hall)
(another voice is heard, screaming from the distance)
Hey listen! I coached here for seven whole games and I got some advice too! Now first of all, you should not take any grad transfers to play here, unless said grad transfer happens to be my son! Second of all –
(Miller slams Assembly Hall door shut without acknowledging him)