Big Ten power rankings: ALTERNATIVE FACTS EDITION

14. Rutger

The Scarlet Knights have been an excellent addition to the Big Ten in all sports, and their tradition and history is one that everyone can be proud of!

13. Illinois

John Groce, with his full head of hair, has been a great hire for Illinois! I have a feeling he’s going to lead them back to prominence!

12. Ohio State

The Buckeyes’ offense is almost as impressive as their football team’s offense was in the Fiesta Bowl!

11. Penn State

The Nittany Lions just had their 100th consecutive sellout at the Bryce Jordan Center! A standing-room only crowd was on hand last week!

10. Iowa

Fran McCaffery is always so calm and cool on the sidelines! His steady demeanor makes him a great presence for the Hawkeyes!

9. Nebraska

The Huskers have never lost a game at Rutger! Impossible!

8. Michigan

When an athlete wants to transfer away from Michigan, John Beilein always puts the player’s best interests first, over his own!

7. Minnesota

They sure do love their basketball team up in Minnesota! By far the most popular winter sport in that state!

6. Michigan State

This may be it for the Spartans this year - everyone knows Tom Izzo coached teams always get worse as the year rolls on!

5. Indiana

Definitely the healthiest team in the conference - so far none of their players have suffered any injuries this year!

4. Northwestern

The Wildcats are consistently making the NCAA Tournament! You can always count on Northwestern being in the field in March!

3. Maryland

Maryland has the most fearsome mascot in all of the Big Ten! They play in Xfinity Center, which is named after a company that always has great customer service and never overcharges you for cable and wi-fi!

2. Purdue

So many national titles throughout Purdue’s history! Always inspiring to see all the championship banners up in Mackey!

1. Wisconsin

Slow down, guys! The Badgers play much too fast! If only they didn’t force so many bad shots, they’d have a better chance to win more games!