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A hypothetical matchup of what could be the worst 1-on-1 game of all time.

Last night, I saw this video posted by the New York Knicks twitter account.

In it, rookie Kristaps Porzingis plays a little one on one with ESPN's Darren Rovell, who may be one of the few sports personalities more polarizing than Tom Crean. If ever you needed a confidence boost about your basketball-playing abilities, this right here should do the trick.

But Rovell is not alone.

Ever since November, I haven't been able to get this short video of Tom Crean in Maui shooting free throws out of my head.

And that got me thinking. Who would win between the two? Besides the obvious answer that we would all be losers in this potential matchup, let's break it down.

Tom Crean


  • The man's profession is literally to be around the game of basketball 24/7, giving him what should be a substantial edge on basketball knowledge
  • From the video, he knows the benefits of using the glass.
  • Knows the benefits of stretching before a game


  • Fundamentals leave a lot to be desired, and as it is his job to teach fundamentals, this is a huge red flag
  • Free throw shooting is a mental game, and Crean's 1-3 performance, including an airball, shows an extreme lack of focus

Darren Rovell


  • Unparalleled defensive tenacity. While his execution leaves much to be desired, the energy coming from Rovell's defensive style is palpable
  • Literally nothing else

  • Zero discernible basketball skills
  • Prison philosophy of going against the biggest and baddest competition in a public setting can backfire, as it did for him here
  • Rovell's "dad at the YMCA" look comes with a responsibility to play an old-man style of sweaty, fundamental basketball, which he clearly cannot do.

Tale of the tape

While Rovell can startle/terrify/confuse his opponents with his intensity, his clear lack of skill will not allow him to take advantage of Tom Crean's inability to transfer what he teaches into his own game.

In a game up to 11, I believe the game turns into a dogfight, with Crean and Rovell going back and forth with Along Came Polly-like finesse, taking a little over an hour to finish. In the end, Crean keeps his hot streak at Indiana alive, winning 11-8, while simultaneously setting back progress of the game of basketball by decades.