Dear President Barchi and Athletic Director Hobbs:
On behalf of Crimson Quarry dot com, I would like to formally submit the following proposal for your consideration to select Crimson Quarry as the search firm to lead your process in selecting the next basketball coach in Piscataway.
Coaches to Consider
For 27 years, Arseneault has been scoring more points than anyone else in the world. In 2003-04, his Grinnell Pioneers averaged 126.2 PPG. How? They don't play defense.
Since the Scarlet Knights don't either, it's the perfect fit!
Here's how it goes -- His team presses, the entire game. And if the other team breaks the press, Grinnell (practically) stops playing defense and gives up a layup. But that's OK, because all they do it shoot threes.
There could be a little problem early on, since this system is incredibly fast-paced and requires platoon-like substitutions and you have about 3 scholarship players. Plus, it requires some dudes who can actually shoot. But I mean, really, how much worse could it get?
And every now and then, he has a player score like 643 points in a game and they make SportsCenter. If you're unfamiliar, it's a show on ESPN where they show highlights and teams that win games.
Now, as you know, our headquarters are located in Southern Indiana. There are more hoops in yards and driveways here than there are Bibles in Vatican City. And if you come from these parts, you know the name of Jack Butcher, the winningest coach in the history of Indiana high school basketball. I'm sure you're thinking, "we're a dang Division I basketball team, we're not hiring someone who coached high school ball."
Well, I'll just say that some of Butcher's Loogootee teams could've hung 80 on you this season. And his teams averaged about 35 points a season. (Not really, but they didn't score much. They played Butcher ball.)
This plan does have a weakness, and we're willing to admit flaws. Butcher's teams held the ball for minutes at a time. Ever see the end of the Milan Miracle? Imagine that, but every game, and every quarter. But a little more passing.
So, in order for this to work, we'd probably have to get the NCAA to do away with the shot clock. But we think there might be enough grumpy old white men to make it happen. We're saying there's a chance.
Yes, another high school coach, but this one is an unknown. He's the head coach at a little school called Medora. Why should he be on your radar? In two seasons at Medora, he's 15-33, which is a gosh darned miracle. He's done this with less players than you, less money than you, and less fans in the gym than you.
In short, if Leitzman can win 7.5 games a year at Medora, he can win 7.5 games a year anywhere. And 7.5 > 7.
Other Plans to Make Rutger Great Again
First what you'll notice is that we'd like to change the name of the University, officially. Rutgers may be a well-known name in New Jersey, but for people who matter, the "s" is too much work for a place that just doesn't matter. But we can make it matter.
Because in addition to hiring a great coach and dropping the "s," we'd like to put together a proposal to apply for admission to the Big Ten. Rutger doesn't belong in that conference, but there's no harm in trying. There's really nothing to lose when you try to do something that makes absolutely no sense.
Finally, we have two non-conference ideas that we think can really boost revenue and fan interest. First, don't play any games at the RAC. Look, this team isn't getting into the tournament, right? At least not in the next decade or so. So, let's make a ton of money for when you actually have a shot to compete. Bad teams get paid a lot of money by better teams to come in and get their asses kicked. There's no reason you can't reach some of those guaranteed deals with schools like Austin Peay, Incarnate Word, and Boston College, who all need teams willing to come into their buildings and take a loss.
Second, when you're not getting paid to lose, give something back. Remember when Michigan State and North Carolina played on that aircraft carrier? Well, we think you should do that about six times a year. Gives your guys a chance to get out of New Jersey, and who knows, it might turn some troops, sailors, and airmen into Rutger fans if you can get some good teams to come play you on the ship. Essentially, you could be the aircraft carrier version of the Washington Generals, and believe it or not, there are some nuts who rooted for the Generals instead of the Globetrotters.
Best Case Scenario
Best case, you hire one of these three guys and win eight, nine, or even 10 games a year. People quit making fun of the program because it becomes clear that you have given up. And by turning your team in a circus act that goes on the road to get walloped, you make some money to spend on your programs that don't blow, like fencing and lacrosse.
Or, we help you cheat so much that you get one or two years in the NIT and then get the death penalty from the NCAA and are permanently put out of your misery.
Worst Case Scenario
There is no scenario worse than where your program stands today.
Look, we're willing to do this for free. In all honesty, this is the kind of charity work that gets people into Heaven, and if you could read our Slack page, you'd know that we need all the help we can get. But perhaps even Jesus wouldn't have been able to pull off the kind of miracle necessary for this team to win 15 games in one season. So if the coach we select for you does that, we want all the cash in the world. We would deserve it.
Thank you in advance for your consideration of our proposal. We look forward to working with you in the coming weeks and months.
GTL. Go Rutger!