The definitive ranking of Tom Creans

On the eve of the election, it’s important that as many Americans as possible get a tangible grasp of what each voting bloc looks like to help dispel stereotypes and implicit biases. So, the idea of CNN bringing a millennial Trump supporter to talk about being a first time voter during this crazy election season could, in theory, be informative. What could possibly go wrong?

Wait, wait, wait. Come on CNN, you cannot be serious with that name. Aside from being a perfect visual embodiment of the guy who thinks that the troops could beat an NFL team, this 80’s teen-movie-villain lookalike got me thinking of all the other Tom Creans out there, those poor, poor souls suffering in silence every time they log onto any form of social media and name search themselves.

So, for those without a voice, I’m here to once and for all provide a definitive power ranking of Tom Creans.

1. Irish Explorer Tom Crean

The famed early 20th century explorer was basically The Most Interesting Man In The World, but without the shitty beer company attaching its name to that title. Once, during a 4-year expedition to Antarctica, Crean trekked 35 miles by himself in the frozen tundra with only a stick of chocolate, 3 biscuits, and no camping gear back to base camp to send for help for his dying crew who could no longer walk due to sickness and injury. That kind of #grit will earn you the #1 spot in the Tom Crean hierarchy.

2. Our baby boy

• Reigning B1G coach of the year, Sweet 16 enthusiast
• Avid supporter of oversized pants and unknown brown liquids
• Sentient reaction meme

3. Funeral Director Tom Crean

Besides being my new favorite way to describe the job of being an Indiana head basketball coach, Funeral Director Tom Crean comes in at #3. Canadian Tom Crean is multi-faceted, as he is also an activist for unspecified causes in addition to having the saddest corporate job on the planet. Being versatile is a great way to get yourself in the good graces of the Tom Crean rankings, and this ain’t Funeral Director Tom Crean’s first rodeo.

4. Thomas Crean

“Why don’t you just go by Thomas?”

“No way! Why should I change? He’s the one that sucks!”

5. Political correspondent Tom Crean

Looks like political fever has taken over Slytherin too, amirite?? Seriously, though, everything about this kid is perfect, from the slicked-back bleach-blond hair to the diamond stud in his ear. Without getting partisan on here, let’s just say I would not want to hang out with this kid, because yes, you can totally judge this book by its cover. This is not a good Tom Crean, and in a perfect world, this would be the type of person going by Thomas Crean.