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Every 2016-17 Indiana basketball game, previewed in one sentence

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The Kansas game won’t matter, the Wisconsin one will, and a bunch of other terrible takes about every game on Indiana’s schedule.

NCAA Basketball: NCAA Tournament-East Regional-North Carolina vs Indiana Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Okay, some are more than one sentence. Preseason KenPom rankings are in parenthesis.

November 11, Kansas, in Honolulu, Hawaii (3)

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh do we have to do this no no no no no not Hawaii again can you just let me enjoy football for like two more weeks like normal before we go full Mad About Tom Crean On Tropical Isles I WILL TURN THIS CAR RIGHT AROUND IF WE FREAK OUT ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS GAME, KIDS. Watch this and enjoy it because basketball is back and literally do not get worked up about anything at all because the committee won’t give a damn about it in March, at all.

November 16, UMass Lowell (279)

Good at hockey! Probably not basketball.

November 19, Liberty (259)

My kingdom to make this the cover of the game program, Fred.

November 22, at FORT WAYNE (125)

Probably oddly close, but extremely cool regardless — play more of these regional state games.

November 27, Mississippi Valley State (336)

[sims to end]

November 30, North Carolina (5)

Three point defense is a myth, please remember that this time. Indiana leaves this game ranked inside the top-5 or outside the rankings altogether, and probably nothing in between.

psssssst

indiana’s probably gonna win this game but don’t remember this then please

December 2, SIU Edwardsville (300)

Tom Crean replaces Kentucky with a school a handful of years removed from the GLVC or GLIAC or something in D-2, I’m not looking it up, whatever. Do not watch this game.

December 4, Southeast Missouri State (313)

No, this isn’t the Steve Alford one. The other one. Do not watch this game.

December 10, Houston Baptist (294)

Less than 10 years removed from the NAIA. Cool ass uniforms. Don’t watch this one either.

December 17, Butler (19)

Please prepare to enjoy the Indiana Fans Get Really Mad About Joey Brunk Not Coming To Indiana game.

Delaware 19, Delaware State (335)

Absolutely not.

December 22, Austin Peay (292)

You’ll notice at this point that 6 of Indiana’s 9 non-conference home games are against teams ranked in the Preseason KenPom rankings lower than 290th. That means Indiana’s playing 10% of the 60 worst teams in college basketball -- and serving them all up to you on a season ticket package. 8 of 9 home non-con opponents rank 250th or lower. These games will tank Indiana’s RPI just by playing them, and it leaves them little to no margin for error in the four actually good games on the non-con schedule. Don’t go to these games. Don’t watch these games. They will be the basketball equivalent of eating cold butter sticks.

December 28, Nebraska (87)

ANGRY CHRISTMAS TIM MILES FOR THE BIG TEN OPENER YAY

December 31, Louisville (9)

Deng Adel isn’t better than OG Anunoby and I’m gonna yell at Mike about it later. Indiana will win this game and it’s the only real prediction I have for you about this season. Also extremely here to get these Andre McGee jokes off. GIMME THAT BEAT.

January 3, Wisconsin (8)

BIG TEN GAME OF THE YEAR RIGHT HERE FAM. Nigel Hayes/Ethan Happ vs. OG/Thomas Bryant in a game of 2-on-2 is worth admission alone. Officially the point where Crimson Quarry dot com will allow you to have a sound, valid opinion on the 2016-17 Indiana basketball team and not one minute sooner.

January 7, Illinois (70)

Illinois hasn’t won in Bloomington since 2010. Won’t happen this year, either.

January 10, at Maryland (48)

Please notice this will be the first time Indiana leaves the state of Indiana for a basketball game since, uh, November 11. Interpret that how you wish.

January 15, Rutgers (191)

[REDACTED]

January 18, at Penn State (97)

Gonna happen again, fam. Y’all just be ready.

January 21, Michigan State (14)

Miles Bridges is gooooooooood as hellllllllllllllllllllllll. He was Thomas Bryant’s teammate at Huntington Prep -- and it’ll likely be the only time the two face off in college. In Bloomington. Fun!

January 27, at Michigan (31)

January 29, at Northwestern

This is extremely stupid and I hope Northwestern loses every game by 100. I am irrationally spiteful about your dumb preseason campaigns for players, even if they are from GREEEEEEEEENSBUUUUUUUUUUUUUURG.

February 1, Penn State

It’s at home, so win by 40 in a rubber match.

February 5, at Wisconsin

What’s good, is that luckily no good thing could ever completely sideways in Wisconsin.

February 9, Purdue

If Indiana wins the Bucket again, this will be Purdue’s first attempt to beat Indiana in a televised men’s sporting even in 726 days.

February 12, Michigan

Here’s your most must-absolutely-not-lose-game of the season, considering what surrounds it on the conference schedule

February 15, at Minnesota

BAD: The Barn sucks to play in. GOOD: Absolutely not Minnesota’s basketball team.

February 21, at Iowa

Big Ten’s biggest drop off this year? Hi, Fran.

February 25, Northwestern

McIntosh scores 81 in a loss, because INDIANA KID VS. INDIANA AT INDIANA.

February 28, Purdue

Expecting anything but a split probably sets y’all up for disappointment, tbh.

March 4, Ohio State

JaQuan Lyle gonna try to score 40 about every ga-HEY DID YOU KNOW BRAXTON MILLER MADE KYLE SCHWARBER QUIT FOOTBALL, GO BUCKS.

Read the rest of our season preview, which is much better than this, here.