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Indiana football traffic patterns are going to be a phenomenal pain in your ass this year. Here are some tips.

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Construction converting four-lane State Road 37 into I-69 is going to *attempt* to make your Saturday suck. Here are some ways to make it not suck.

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If you've attempted to travel to Bloomington from points north within the past handful of months at any sort of high-traffic hour, you know that a few things are certain.

You will be angry.

You will be late.

You will sit in a stand-still at some point between Bloomington and Martinsville because a handful of folks don't understand the concept of merging lanes.

You will be more angry.

You will be more late.

College football games, if you are unfamiliar, are events that start at a certain, non-negotiable hour and are attended by mass amounts of people. (Unless you are Purdue, etc, etc.) You may be one of these people, and without proper planning, you will be angry and late. Here are some tips to keep you from being angry and late.

1. Plan the night before

Tonight is not the night to stay out drinking booze until the wee-hours at your favorite ol' watering-hole. If you would like to find a way to avoid being mad both online and offline tomorrow, you should prepare and pack your tailgating and football necessities. Go buy beer and meat, now. Not in the morning. Listen, man, today was busy at work, we can pack the pop-up tent and grill in the morning. No, you lazy mouthbreather. Pack it now. Leave as few things as possible to do in the morning other than drag your slightly-hungover ass that had too much MD 20/20 while watching Baylor-SMU to the car come 9am. Help me help you. Also, set an alarm. Then set another alarm. You will sleep through both of these regardless, but still. Go sleep at your point of departure, too -- even if you are unwanted. Print this article and show it to your prospective host/traveling party, they'll understand and welcome you into their home.*

*please be prepared to sleep in your car, it's fine, really

2. Booze with breakfast!

You know what's worse than one angry and late people in a car. Five angry and late people in a car! That's why four of you should immediately wake up and ride the skid upon sun-up. Sorry, son, I'm all out of Milk for your cereal -- hope this Knob Creek will do. Don't be ashamed, it's gameday! You're mistaken if you think Kevin Wilson hasn't started his morning off with a cocktail already. Here, you can whip yourself up coach's morning favorite before you head out the door

THE KEVIN WILSON BREAKFAST
  • 2 egg yolks, raw
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1 parts, Tito's Vodka
  • the rest of that warm Coors over there, son
  • Bacon strip
  • bitters, one dash
  • stir
The warm vomit smell inside the car will build character and prepare you for the rest of your day.

3. Some good tunes, bro!

Listen, the car ride's going to suck. You best will resign yourself to that one. But you know what won't suck? THESE HOT JAMS! Get everyone in your party up for gameday with the new hot tunes of Now That's What I Call Music! Vol. 2!

That ticket you get for reckless driving won't be free -- but you know what is? Sunscreen.

4. Play some games in the car!

Words with Friends! TriviaCrack! QuizUp! Football Manager! There are lots of great games available for iOS and mobile devices that can keep you occupied in the- haha just kidding there's no cell service between Bloomington and Martinsville through the thick of construction. Instead, have fun with every millenial's favorite game: Forced Interaction In An Enclosed Space With Other Humans.

5. Actually, just fly

Just get one of those Uber Helicopter things and land the dang thing right on the 50-yard-line. It'll be fine, trust us.

6. mmmmmmm

7. uhhhhhh
8. yeah
9. i've got nothin'

Yeah, the drive down's probably not going to be a great time.

Serious advice: Leave early, resign yourself to that fact, and you'll be fine. Don't be in a rush to leave -- go to Nick's, Kilroy's, etc, after. IU Athletics is proposing alternate routes from Indy (I-65 to 46 West, SR 67 to 46 East are the two best options) and working with INDOT to help relieve the problem on gamedays. All of that info can be found right here.