Ed note: We don't really have anything against Florida International. These opinions are satirical. But we do have something against Miami. It's a bad place. Don't go there. And yes, we know it's a home game.
Everyone's favorite CrimsonQuarry weekly installment is back for a second season! Which means it'll probably be cancelled after four episodes. Also known as when I run out of patience to do this! We're good bloggers!
FIRST DESTINATION: AMERICA'S HUMID, UNDEODORIZED ARMPIT
What is a Florida International?
Great question! Glad you asked:
Still laughing. UCF straight up lost to an airport today.— Matt Brown (@MattSBN) September 4, 2015
Built in 1993, it's a foreclosed-upon airport that's since been reclaimed as a college or something, I don't know.
Are there any famous folks from F-I-U?
Sure! This is where the world sent former Hoosier and giant creepy asshole Isiah Thomas after he managed to sexually-harass himself out of the New York Knicks front office. All he had to do was, like, not be massively inappropriate to women and he was save to sail James Dolan's blues-hummin' ship into the shore for decades. BUT NOPE. You tried to hump your co-workers. Good work, 11.
But no matter! For every terrible decision made by a pro sports person, there is a C-USA athletic program desperate enough for attention to willing to bring him right on in and toss him the keys to the '96 Camaro. Hey, you know what would be a great place for this creepy old basketball man? A COLLEGE CAMPUS IN MIAMI YEAH. This idea did not work. This is why you are you, FIU.
There's also TY Hilton, who is good and fine, and Andy Garcia. Looking to break into Hollywood as exclusively a pit/mob boss? THEN FIU'S FILM SCHOOL IS FOR YOU.
How does one get to Florida International?
You could fly there, of course. It'd cost too much and you'd spend waaaaay too long in a Hartsfield layover. So drive! It's fun! From someone who's driven from Indiana to South Florida multiple times, here is a rough timeline of what your body will experience:
HOUR 1, SOMEWHERE LIKE SEYMOUR, INDIANA: this idea is bad, i should go home
HOUR 3:30, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE KENTUCKY: hungry (food options exclusively Arby's)
HOUR 5, NASHVILLE, TENN: woooo! see! road trips are fun!
HOUR 7: CHATTANOOGA: mild hallucinations
HOUR 9:30, ATLANTA: ahgoahghkkdjgigaojfojgakjgohgra
HOUR 12: SOMEWHERE IN GEORGIA STILL: shouting match with car occupant over chicken
HOUR 16: I-4: haha, driver fell asleep, how funny!
HOUR 20: DESTINATION: promptly collapses upon opening car door due to constipation, orthostatic hypotension
Never go to Florida.
Is there anything fun to do in Miami?
well yes lots of things but let's not ge--
STREET FIGHTIN' SQUAD FOOTBALL TEAM
Actually, this isn't hate. Y'all beat the hell out of THE UUUUUUUUU. Good for y'all, very angry airport men.
YOUR FOOTBALL COACH
Your football coach is Ron Turnehahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha
*takes deep breath*
you really did it
you hired costco-brand ron zook