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THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY

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THIS COULD JUST BE A SLOW, DELIBERATE READING OF RON TURNER'S RESUME, YOU KNOW

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Ed note: We don't really have anything against Florida International. These opinions are satirical. But we do have something against Miami. It's a bad place. Don't go there. And yes, we know it's a home game.

Everyone's favorite CrimsonQuarry weekly installment is back for a second season! Which means it'll probably be cancelled after four episodes. Also known as when I run out of patience to do this! We're good bloggers!

FIRST DESTINATION: AMERICA'S HUMID, UNDEODORIZED ARMPIT

History

What is a Florida International?

Great question! Glad you asked:

Built in 1993, it's a foreclosed-upon airport that's since been reclaimed as a college or something, I don't know.

Are there any famous folks from F-I-U?

Sure! This is where the world sent former Hoosier and giant creepy asshole Isiah Thomas after he managed to sexually-harass himself out of the New York Knicks front office. All he had to do was, like, not be massively inappropriate to women and he was save to sail James Dolan's blues-hummin' ship into the shore for decades. BUT NOPE. You tried to hump your co-workers. Good work, 11.

But no matter! For every terrible decision made by a pro sports person, there is a C-USA athletic program desperate enough for attention to willing to bring him right on in and toss him the keys to the '96 Camaro. Hey, you know what would be a great place for this creepy old basketball man? A COLLEGE CAMPUS IN MIAMI YEAH. This idea did not work. This is why you are you, FIU.

There's also TY Hilton, who is good and fine, and Andy Garcia. Looking to break into Hollywood as exclusively a pit/mob boss? THEN FIU'S FILM SCHOOL IS FOR YOU.

VISITING MIAMI

How does one get to Florida International?

You could fly there, of course. It'd cost too much and you'd spend waaaaay too long in a Hartsfield layover. So drive! It's fun! From someone who's driven from Indiana to South Florida multiple times, here is a rough timeline of what your body will experience:

HOUR 1, SOMEWHERE LIKE SEYMOUR, INDIANA: this idea is bad, i should go home

HOUR 3:30, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE KENTUCKY: hungry (food options exclusively Arby's)

HOUR 5, NASHVILLE, TENN: woooo! see! road trips are fun!

HOUR 7: CHATTANOOGA: mild hallucinations

HOUR 9:30, ATLANTA: ahgoahghkkdjgigaojfojgakjgohgra

HOUR 12: SOMEWHERE IN GEORGIA STILL: shouting match with car occupant over chicken

HOUR 16: I-4: haha, driver fell asleep, how funny!

HOUR 20: DESTINATION: promptly collapses upon opening car door due to constipation, orthostatic hypotension

*fin*

Never go to Florida.

Is there anything fun to do in Miami?

well yes lots of things but let's not ge--

YOUR STREET FIGHTIN' SQUAD FOOTBALL TEAM

Actually, this isn't hate. Y'all beat the hell out of THE UUUUUUUUU. Good for y'all, very angry airport men.

YOUR FOOTBALL COACH

Your football coach is Ron Turnehahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahaahhahahahahahahahaha

hhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

hhahahhahahahhahahahhahahah

*takes deep breath*

*grabs inhaler*

WOOOOOahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhHEHEHEHEHEHE

HEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHLOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

haha

ooh

haha

you really did it

you hired costco-brand ron zook

oh boy

oh

that's it

i'm done

goodnight