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CRIMSON QUARRY'S HASTILY CONSTRUCTED BIG TEN POWER RANKINGS: WEEK ONE

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IN HONOR OF TIM BECKMAN'S FIRING WE WILL DO THIS WEEK'S POWER RANKINGS IN A LOUD TONE OF VOICE

Mike Granse-USA TODAY Sports

Mouth-breathing football person Tim Beckman got fired at the end of last week for being, largely, an uncaring trash person. He also likes shouting. Tim Beckman did a lot of shouting.

In his honor, here are this week's HASTILY CONSTRUCTED BIG TEN POWER RANKINGS, SHOUTED.

1. OHIO STATE

OHIO STATE IS VERY GOOD AT FOOTBALL, MORE SPECIFICALLY THE BEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THIS CONFERENCE. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE ALL YEAR. RATHER THAN DISCUSS THE INS AND OUTS OF WHY THEY ARE THE BEST TEAM, LET'S JUST LISTEN TO THIS RUN THE JEWELS SONG INSTEAD. TIM BECKMAN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHO THIS "JULES" MAN IS AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY HE IS TALKING SO QUICKLY. A TRUE ILLINOIS MAN SPEAKS WITH A SLOW CADENCE, BOY.

2. MICHIGAN STATE

MICHIGAN STATE KICKS OFF THE SEASON AGAINST WESTERN MICHIGAN IN KALAMAZOO FRIDAY. TIM BECKMAN DOES NOT SEE THE VALUE IN TAKING YOUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILD TO THE ZOO, MA'AM. ZOO? I'VE GOT A BROKEN SUMP PUMP YOU BOYS CAN WORK ON. BROKEN SUMP PUMP ALSO AN ACCEPTABLE NICKNAME FOR CONNOR COOK.

3. WISCONSIN

SURE, WISCONSIN, WHY NOT. WISCONSIN SEEMS LIKE A FINE AND SAFE CHOICE HERE UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THE BADGERS ARE COACHED BY PAUL CHRYST. BLESS HIS HEART, HE'S CONTRACTED A CHRONIC ILLNESS CALLED PITT AND NO AMOUNG OF PROBIOTIC DAIRY WILL BE ABLE TO FIX THAT. PLEASE PREPARE TO ENJOY TYLER PALKO'S SEVEN INTERCEPTIONS AGAINST ALABAMA.

4. MINNESOTA

WOO, BOY. NOW WE'RE JUST MAKING THINGS UP THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. THEY MIGHT BE GOOD! BUT PROBABLY NOT! LET'S TALK ABOUT MITCH LEIDNER, THOUGH. 6-FOOT-4, 237. HUSKY BOY, BIG BOY. THAT'S ONE-O-THEM STURDY MIDWEST QUARTERBACKS. A HARDY SOUL THAT CAN WITHSTAND HEAD INJURIES AND FROSTBITE. LEIDNER IS THE IDEAL QUARTERBACK FOR THE CFL'S FUTURE NUNAVUT FRANCHISE, LED BY HEAD COACH TIM BECKMAN.

5. NEBRASKA

MIKE RILEY IS A VERY NICE, KIND MAN -- A DOCILE SOUL THAT PASSES OUT SNYDERS OF HANOVER PRETZELS TO NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN ON HALLOWEEN. GOOD MAN. BUT NOT THE MAN YOU WANT TO COACH YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM. HERE SON, THROW OUT THAT CANDY AND DRINK THIS PRE-WORKOUT. WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT, WE'VE GOT A HAUNTED HOUSE OUT BACK Y'ALL CAN RUN THROUGH.*

*HAUNTED HOUSE IS JUST TIM BECKMAN SUPERVISING AN OKLAHOMA DRILL

6. PENN STATE

LITTLE DID YOU KNOW TIM BECKMAN HAD BEEN ALREADY PREPARING FOR HIS NEXT CAREER IN GRAPHIC DESIGN

7. MICHIGAN

INCENDIARY COMMENT OF THE WEEK: TIM BECKMAN + ANDREW LUCK = JIM HARBAUGH

8. IOWA

PUNTING THIS JOKE PRIOR TO ATTEMPTING TO THROW A FORWARD PASS, MUCH LIKE KIRK FERENTZ WILL DO MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS OF THIS SEASON.

9. NORTHWESTERN

AN ALTERNATE REALITY WHERE TIM BECKMAN COACHES AT A PRIVATE UNIVERSITY AND HIS SMART, FORWARD-THINKING PLAYERS ATTEMPT TO UNIONIZE. THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE ONLY JOKE.

10. INDIANA

YES THIS IS TOO HIGH, NO I DON'T CARE. SOMETHING, SOMETHING TIM BECKMAN. I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS KEVIN WILSON.

11. RUTGERS

NAH

12. MARYLAND

NUMBER OF TURTLES TIM BECKMAN HAS RUN OVER IN HIS 2007 F-150 SVT LIGHTNING - 5.

13. ILLINOIS

SO, HOW'S YOUR WEEK GOING

SAME

14. PURDUE

"FUTURE PURDUE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR TIM BECKMAN" REMAIN THE SWEETEST SEQUENCE OF WORDS IN OUR LANGUAGE TODAY.