Beer is, largely, good. People like to drink it. Often, they will pay money to drink it. They'll then have, even more often, fun when drinking it. This is why we told you yesterday Indiana should start selling beer at sporting events. People will spend money, Indiana will make money, and you will have more fun at the sports.
But that's the easy part!
Figuring out what excellent brews to place on the taps at THE ROCK MEMORIAL STADIUM and SIMON SCHOKOTTT ASSEMBLY HALL is the difficult part of this job. But no worries! CRIMSON QUARRY DOT COM HAS YOU COVERED. Every CQ staffer picked a beer that would be most wholly appropriate being consumed while at an Indiana athletic event. It is a good list. Please forward this list to Fred Glass when you finish reading.
(Actually please don't I think we want a press credential and stuff maybe yeah let's not do that)
LET'S GET BEER-TALKIN.
KYLE ROBBINS: TwoDeep Brewing's KnightStick Cream Ale
This beer is a good beer, not a bad beer, and if you are going to serve beer, it should be good beer. It's clean and light, but doesn't taste like water. This is the type of beer you need if you are going to experience Indiana football, one consumable enough that can also be funneled into a non-oral body cavity when these kind of things happen:
I broke my futon after that play! But I wouldn't have done so had I been drinking a TwoDeep KnightStick Cream Ale because beer is good and makes people happy. Indiana Football: Please Drink This Beer In Masse So You Don't Break Your Cheap Freshman Dorm Furniture.
It's also aptly-named for Bob Knight and a police tool used for beating people! Yeah, SPORTS BEER!
DAVID SIEGEL: Colt 45
I have an unpopular opinion, one that goes against the very fibers of me being a privileged white male on the internet. I don't care about craft beer. There, I said it. Feels good to get that off my chest. Honestly, the strongest conviction you will get out of me in this argument is that some beer is better than others, I guess. Deal with it.
With that in mind, serving Colt 45 is the only beer that makes sense for Indiana sporting events. Whether it's lubricating yourself enough to not realize you just watched a full game at Memorial Stadium, or getting enough liquid courage to yell "FIRE TOM CREANNN" in public, there is only one beer that lacks the frills and societal standards to get the job done. And that beer is Colt 45. The only hard part of this equation comes down to how it would be served. We debated:
The Kyles bring up a good point, as this would certainly cause debate. While most of your parents and boring friends may argue that glass bottles are a safety issue when combined with drunk college kids, I will be completely tuned out, instead watching WORLDSTAR videos of fights caused by Colt 45.
KYLE SWICK: Quarryman Pale Ale
I'm going to try really hard to not have this morph into some "Drink Local" nerd pitch, as Quarryman Pale Ale would be a great choice if brewed on Mars (though skyrocketing production costs would certainly impact the profit margin) but the fact that it is brewed in Indiana University's side yard at the Bloomington Brewing Company certainly doesn't hurt its candidacy. Quarryman has a higher ABV than most of your standard-issue stadium beers but remains light enough to consume several in a row when that mid-major school takes the lead in the second half.
Better yet, as the weather turns cold, you can switch the taps to nitro for a heavier mouth feel more commiserate with lowering temperatures and expectations. This is good beer! Other beers are good, too and this is certainly one of them! You may want IU to offer a different beer, which I will probably drink. It's like my good friend Kyle always said:
Same. Also, this is my suggestion for football only. Come basketball season, I would urge you to find something a lot stronger than beer, like bourbon or whippets.
BEN RAPHEL: Yuengling Lager
Look guys, I’m not going to sporting events to drink high-end beers. Yes I’ll always enjoy some Bell’s Two Hearted, Three Floyd’s Zombie Dust, or some craft beer from Vermont that I've never heard of but has a 99 on BeerAdvocate. But these are meant to be consumed from the comfort of my own home, or at a bar that allows you to have an actual conversation without having to yell over loud EDM. Regardless, when this question came up among us CQ writers the other day, I said without hesitation that I’d choose Yuengling.
First of all, it's America's Oldest Brewery, which should appease the tradition-rich Hoosier fans. Yes, Yuengling is not sold at all in Indiana. But it Memorial Stadium or Assembly Hall were the only place in the Hoosier State that sold the beer, imagine the profits that the school could reap. No more need for Hoosiers to drive to the Ohio border to purchase it! But seriously, Yuengling would be great at IU events. It both tastes better than the average mass-produced lager and it doesn’t cost too much. And all I need is something I can tolerate, even when I’m not able to tolerate what’s happening to IU on the field or on the court. In fact, that’s when I’ll need it most.
ALEX ROBBINS: Something from Sun King
THOMAS WACHTEL: Pabst Blue RIbbon
It is unreasonable for an Indiana fan not to love Pabst Blue Ribbon. It is not great, perhaps not even that good, but there’s nothing there of enough strength or substance that it should anger you. It may be the Coldplay of beer.
PBR is cheap, and for its price it is of relatively high quality. It’s better than your Budweiser, your Coors, even your Miller. It’s not heavy enough to get one drunk at an absurd rate, but it’s not so light as to be glorified yellowish water. It tastes the way it should taste – no more, no less.
But for us, beyond everything else, it won a blue ribbon in 1893. As Indiana fans, we’re all experts in defending the merits of awards won long ago. Pabst is our kin, and we should embrace it.
JACOB RUDE: Natural Dang Light
I’ll be honest, my first choice was PBR. However, it’s off the board, so I have to switch it up. I’m not making this choice on which beer is good or which I would enjoy. I’m making this choice off what IU would sell the most of. With that in mind, my choice is Natural Light.
Let’s be honest, the frat bros at IU would soak this up, as would the majority of the students in attendance. We don’t have to overthink this. Indiana University football or basketball games, students aside, are attended by a fair number of people who drink Natty outside of sporting events. These are also the types of people with three broken down cars in their front yard, a fire pit in the back, and two shotguns sitting by the front door, but I digress.
If IU is going to sell beer, they’re going to want it to be profitable, and there might not be a more profitable beer than Natty. Plus, you’re going to want something cheap to get you drunk from watching the football team’s secondary this year!
A lot of beers have long names and interesting histories and exciting labels with lots of colors. That’s awesome. I like colors. If we’re looking for a beer to have on tap at IU sporting events though, we have to be more creative. We don’t need a beer that looks cool in the bottle, or a beer that is aged in barrels made of wood taken from a seventeenth century battleship. We don’t even need a beer that tastes good.
We need a beer that mixes well with the tequila in the flask you snuck in.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s that Tom Crean coached teams are fun as hell to watch if you’re just barely unable to stress about what’s going on. The trick to this is having a really normal childhood and a good life and probably lots of money. That, or a decent amount of alcohol.
Seriously, it’s so much more fun when you’re just enjoying Troy Williams being a monster of an athlete, or Yogi Ferrell moving way more quickly than any human should. Results are cool and important but being able to pretend your team’s coach hasn’t pulled his pants up through his ass crack five times in the last five minutes is way more cool and way more important.
So with all that said, I am suggesting putting Corona on tap at all IU sporting events, and I’m not not suggesting sneaking in Jose or Tapatio if you’re feeling broke and frisky.
(MAY CAUSE PERMANENT FACIAL DISFIGUREMENT AND LOSS OF PANTS)
*NOT AVAILABLE AFTER FIRST WEEKEND IN MARCH