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Crimson Quarry's B1G Hot N' Sexy 2015 Indiana football almanac: Predictions, best case, worst case, and oh god the blood

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Pat Lovell-USA TODAY Sports

It's that time of year again!

Earlier this week the WELL-RESPECTED and INFORMED media of the Big Ten Conference voted on who they believed would win the conference and, more importantly, who would lose it. You may be stunned to learn that the Indiana Hoosiers were picked to finish dead-last in the B1G East this season. I'm sure their reasoning was sound and good but this is an Indiana blog therefor IT IS GARBAGE INDIANA WON'T FINISH LAST YOU'LL FINISH LAST HERE'S HOW IT HAPPENS:

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The Southern Illinois Salukis v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: Indiana wins by a large margin and no one gets hurt.

Worst Case: OH GOD NOT AGAIN

What Alex said: "By the transitive property (common opponents in Purdue, Indiana State) Indiana was 31 PPG better than Southern Illinois in 2014. By logic, Indiana probably isn’t 31 PPG better than anybody in 2015. But I’ve got the Hoosiers winning the opener by that amount anyway. 41-10 good guys."

What Ben said: "Win, 27-13. The Hoosiers get revenge for losing to the Salukis in 2006 and win easily, but the offense gets off to a slow start as they adjust to life without Tevin Coleman."

What Kyle S. said: "Hoosiers start their season with a their traditional underwhelming win: 27-17. If there's one big difference between the Lynch and Wilson eras, it's that Wilson's teams never seem to absolutely roll the token FCS opponent like Lynch always would. Save dropping 70 on ISU (while surrendering nearly 40 points), I can't remember a dominant outing. Lynch would routinely beat the first cupcake by roughly 1000 points and then not see the endzone for weeks at a time during conference play. Good times."

What David said: "Jordan Howard sets the tone early and often, and at least for one week, makes not seeing Tevin Coleman do his thing in a Hoosier uniform a bit easier to swallow."

What Kyle R. said: "I do not know anything about Southern Illinois' current football program and I will not be damned to Google such information. Indiana wins football game by arbitrary number of points, loses battle of mascots going away."

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The Florida International Golden Panthers v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: Graciously following their 90-point defeat, FIU reveals they have brought a metric ton of Cuban food with them and allows me to swan dive into it, achieving nirvana.

Worst Case: FIU decides they want to do this street-style.

What Alex said: "TY Hilton ain’t walking through the door for FIU, and that’s a shame for them. Could you imagine how many yards he would’ve put up on an Indiana secondary when he was in college? No mid-major comes into Memorial Stadium at night and wins. What’s that? Ball State who? Regardless, FIU is in trouble when the sun sets over the bypass and it’s Saturday night in Kevin Wilson’s House of Pain. Hoosiers, 34-14."

What Ben said: "Win, 38-20. Nate Sudfeld throws 5 TDs, and fans are thrilled as Hoosier wide receivers don’t drop any passes. Longtime IU football fans wonder how the heck FIU coach Ron Turner led Illinois to a B1G title that one time."

What Kyle S. said: "Hoosiers win by a handful of touchdowns, 52-10. I relentlessly trash talk my wife, a graduate of both Indiana and Florida International, as if she were a diehard Golden Panther fan. Related: diehard Golden Panther fan has to be college football's unicorn, no?"

What David said: "FIU's program is notable for their now-infamous fight with The U a few years back. I honestly would not pick the Hoosiers to win a brawl with FIU, but as far as football is concerned, they should roll easily. Indiana by double digits."

What Kyle R. said: "hold on

wait am i

Indiana by 600 points, roughly."

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The Western Kentucky Hilltoppers v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: Indiana actually manages to beat the semi-decent mid-major on the schedule for the first time in recorded history probably. And you took the over!

Worst Case: Imagine the yard-sign in this photo is actually everyone you ever loved.

What Alex said: "Last season, Jordan Howard had 186 yards and 2 TDs against the Hilltoppers. He has his breakout game for the Hoosiers against WKU and Indiana starts 3-0, giving every one of you suckas hope. 31-17 IU."

What Ben said: "Loss, 45-38 (OT). Trap game alert. The high-flying Hilltopper offense comes into Memorial Stadium with nothing to lose, and bad memories of Navy and Bowling Green reappear as Jeff Brohm’s squad hands the Hoosiers yet another early nonconference loss. Afterwards, a prominent IU basketball writer tweets the exact number of days left until Hoosier Hysteria."

What Kyle S. said: "Western Kentucky was fun as hell to watch last season and they return nearly everyone from a squad that was playing some incredibly watchable football by the end of the year, including a 67-66 overtime thriller over rival Marshall and the best bowl game from last year in the Bahamas Bowl. Their high-powered offense and, uh, unreliable defense going up against a similar Indiana squad that should produce one of the better games on the slate. I think the Hoosiers prevail, but not by much: 63-56."

What David said: "Instead of having to deal with the vaunted, historic Bowling Green squad that hung a demoralizing loss early in the season last year, the Hoosiers instead deal with a Hilltoppers' squad that should not be able to handle the playmaking ability of IU's athletes."


What Kyle R. said: "This is the game. It is the game, the game that is that game. The stupid game. Nate Sudfeld will throw four touchdowns with a sinus infection, Jordan Howard will run for three, but fumble one in the endzone or something stupid, etc, etc. This game will be a loss, a high-scoring loss, where Indiana will lead for roughly 3.37 quarters will no problems by multiple touchdowns and you'll slowly watch a win over a C-USA team you didn't know was even in C-USA fall apart like IKEA construction by your slightly too-drunk father. Hey dad, that looks pretty good! Wait, no, why are you putting the fourth leg of that table into the garbage disposal? That's not where tha--GRRRSGHHGTHHG.

Indiana football is an otherwise well-assembled IKEA barstool that just happens to be missing a leg because your father consumed too much Buffalo Trace and forced it down the garbage disposal."

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YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS! at the Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Best Case: Asses get kicked.

Worst Case: Oh noooooooooooo.

What Alex said: "Wake Forest was really bad last season. They probably won’t be any good this season. Combine that with it being IU’s first road game of the season, and I’ll take the Demon Deacons. Remember when I said a 3-0 start would give you hope? There’s a reason I called you suckas. 24-17 Wake Forest."

What Ben said: "Win, 31-7. Fired up after the WKU loss, the Hoosiers march into Winston-Salem and back up Kevin Wilson on his promise from the summer. Though Jordan Howard has a breakout game, all anyone wants to talk about is how the defense did."

What Kyle S. said: "BRIAN KNORR REVENGE GAME. Brian Knorr has no obvious reason to seek vengeance from his former employer, which is the best kind of vengeance to seek. Hoosiers roll, 34-13."

What David said: "Indiana's shiny new opponent from the ACC seems to be just another major conference opponent. Apparently not to Kevin Wilson, who for some reason hates the otherwise unassuming, middling school. The Hoosiers can't understand the arbitrary hatred and fail to follow Wilson's lead, falling to the Demon Deacons in their first true away game."

What Kyle R. said: Indiana wins, probably by a lot, because Dave Clawson is an offensive coach that is shitty and terrible at doing offense. The shirt I am currently wearing says "TENNESSEE" across the front, so I am qualified to discuss this. This man replaced quarterback GAWD Dave Cutcliffe and he was so dang bad that Phil Fulmer had to quit within nine games of him calling plays. But here he is! Coaching a major conference team! And scoring no points, ever! Hoosiers 52, Wake 10.

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Ohio State Buckeyes v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: Due to a combination of factors, Ohio State is forced to start their fourth string QB against the Hoosiers in a hostile road environment.

Worst Case: And the Buckeyes still hang a 50-burger.

What Alex said: "Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, annnnnd hide yo husbands… Buttguys win 45-24."

What Ben said: "Loss, 49-24. Indiana narrows the score to 28-24 on a late third-quarter touchdown, firing up the home crowd. But the Buckeyes take control for good in the final quarter, and after Cardale Jones throws an 80-yard TD pass with one minute remaining, Hoosier fans accuse Urban Meyer of running up the score."

What Kyle S. said: "42-14, Ohio State. Choose happiness."

What David said: "Still riding high after almost having a lead in the 3rd quarter last year against OSU, Indiana doesn't come close to repeating as their defense gets ripped to shreds by the likes of Cardale Jones, J.T. Barrett, and Ezekiel Elliott."

What Kyle R. said: "Almost kinda beating Ohio State but not really is Indiana football's newest tradition. It continues in some form, giving me false hope and allowing me to say things that put my job status with my Ohio State fan Vox Media bosses in question. Jalin Marshall will then score three touchdowns in quick succession and we will all contract scabies."

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YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS! at the Penn State Nittany Lions

Best Case: Indiana gets their first Big Ten road win in nearly a decade that didn't come in the harrowing road environments of Champaign and West Lafayette.

Worst Case: The teams combine for 20 punts, which is a higher total than both starting quarterbacks' combined QBR and hold on nope wait that has already become reality.

What Alex said: "In January, those bastards at the NCAA announced that they were reinstating wins from 1998-2011 JoePa years, which consequently means that the Hoosiers are back to being historically terrible against Penn State. But fear not: Christian Hackenberg sucks and Kevin Wilson is gonna roll into Happy Valley and win one for 14 IU teams that just had another loss added to their record. 27-21 Cream and Crimson."

What Ben said: "Loss, 21-16. Penn State fans spend the whole game complaining about Christian Hackenberg, but the Nittany Lions defense does just enough to keep Indiana from pulling off the upset in Happy Valley."

What Kyle S. said: "Loss, 5-3. Penn State hits a long field goal as time expires after trailing 3-2 for most of the game. Our twitter feed goes silent for a week.

What David said: "Christian Hackenberg will look like a 1st round talent against IU, then go on to be very mediocre against the rest of the Big Ten. So it goes."

What Kyle R. said: "MY

ANACONDA

DON'T

WANT

NONE

UNLESS

YOU

GOT

PUNTS

SON.

Penn State, 5-3."

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The Rutgers Scarlet Knights v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: We win big and make lots of Rutgers jokes!

Worst Case: We lose big and make lots of Rutgers jokes!

What Alex said: "Payback. Not for the loss last season, but for having to go to New Jersey. And it’s Homecoming, which means an awkward 3:30 starting time, which, if I’m not mistaken, is generally when the Guidos do laundry and take their nap between the gym and tanning. Advantage Hoosiers. 35-20."

What Ben said: "Win, 34-27. CARLI LLOYD CAN’T HELP YOU NOW RUTGERS, CAN SHE?"

What Kyle S. said: "Hoosiers win 31-30 and I tweet 'more like buttgers' and win the Nobel Prize for Literature."

What David said: "Ahh, the sweet, sweet sight of seeing that oversized "R" on your schedule. The Hoosiers maintain a shred of dignity and make sure to stay out of the basement of the B1G by beating up on the Scarlet Knights."

What Kyle R. said: [null set, does not recognize Rutgers as member of conference]

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YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS! at the Michigan State Spartans

Best Case: Last year's first half, but for the whole game this time.

Worst Case: Last year's second half, but for the whole game this time.

What Alex said: "Sparty won’t be the class of the Big Ten this season, but they’ll still be miles ahead of Indiana. 28-7 Big Green."

What Ben said: "Loss, 34-10. Like many recent contests, the Hoosiers are once again helpless against the Spartans. During the game, IU fans start discussing whether or not the basketball team has a chance against Duke."

What Kyle S. said: "This will be the heartbreaker, like last year against OSU. Indiana improbably hangs around and even has a lead in the second half but right as you convince yourself that this could really happen, Nate Sudfeld throws a pick-six and the ensuing kickoff return is fumbled and recovered by MSU at the 28 yard line. 42-31, Spartans."

What David said: "This is just too talented of a team to have a letdown at home vs. a squad like Indiana. This will not be a fun game."

What Kyle R. said: "lol, nope, simulate to end"

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The Iowa Hawkeyes v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: Nate Sudfeld, and Indiana's season, do not get ripped to shreds in the first half.

Worst Case: The Hoosiers suffer a season-killing home loss as boos reign down from the half-empty balcony and chants of "WE WANT STEVENS" echo through the- wait which sport is this?

What Alex said: "There was no bigger shame last season than the fact that Iowa stole a game from Indiana when Nate Sudfeld went down. After giving up 28 1st quarter points, the Hoosiers were right back in the ballgame when Sudfeld got hurt. That kind of pain should drive a team to get the job done no matter what the next time they see an opponent. But that’s not how things work for Indiana football. We all know all too well that they lose games they should win and can’t get up for ones that they should have circled on the calendar. Hawkeyes win this on 30-27 after IU wakes up late and can’t come back."

What Ben said: "Win, 21-20. Hoosiers win on some late-minute heroics, and Sudfeld gets revenge on the team that knocked him out last season. Adam Jacobi loses a bet on the game, and as a result, is not allowed to tweet any stories for the rest of the year."

What Kyle S. said: "Indiana nearly beat Iowa during my senior year when Damarlo Belcher had, apparently, caught a game-winning touchdown pass on 4th down. The play happened directly in front of the visitor's section which provided the only live angle that he had, in fact, dropped the pass. The entire student section went nuts for almost 5 minutes as we all thought the Hoosiers had just won the game. I tell that story to remind you that something bizarre always seems to happen when these teams meet up and you have no reason to expect anything different. Indiana wins in quintuple overtime, 62-60 and secures bowl eligibility."

What David said: "I can't in good conscience pick Iowa to beat IU because Iowa is not the Iowa of old and Kirk Ferentz is not a good coach. Indiana wins by 4, expelling the curse of Damarlo Belcher."

What Kyle R. said: "Quite honestly, this reminds me of a youth soccer game I was coaching this past weekend. It was raining and during the Brickyard 500, so we knew some of the guys and gals wouldn't be able to make it. Still, we were undeterred. We knew we had to go out and do what we could to get a result -- because there were some real famous folks in town that were coming over to watch the game. As a matter of fact, AJ Hawk's brother came over to play with us, since he didn't like racing and didn't feel like, you know, watching cars go 'round and 'round a track. He was a heck of a player in high school, too. But he had a short attention span, and he'd easily wander off and get distracted. Really difficult guy to coach, assume that's why he didn't play at the next level. Still, I knew I had to play him in the center of the formation, and let the faster girls play off him up top as forwards. You can't let a guy as talented as him go unused in a big game like this. Especially since we were short players and we were only a couple minutes from game time. When the ref called me over, I told him were were just going to have to start down a couple players -- with 8 outfield players and a keeper. I called the team back over and began to draw up our formation. But AJ's brother wouldn't stop wandering off to try to see the cars at the track from over the hill. A real pain to coach, I tell you what. But I knew I'd just have to yell at him when it was time to here where he was supposed to fit in the formation -- and he'd pick it up on the fly because he's just that talented. So I grabbed my whiteboard and began drawing it up and calling it out, 'INDEE, ANNA OVER HAWK -- EYES -- FOUR TWO TWO.'"

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The Michigan Wolverines v. YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS!

Best Case: DID YOU KNOW THAT TOM CREAN IS MARRIED TO JOANIE CREAN (née HARBAUGH) WHO IS-

Worst Case: -THE SISTER OF JOHN AND JIM HARBAUGH, THE LATTER OF WHICH PLAYED AT MICHIG-

What Alex said: "There would be no better time for Indiana to beat Michigan. How spectacular would it be to listen to their blowhard fans flip their shit if Michigan Man Jim Harbaugh lost to IU? Unfortunately, given that Indiana hasn’t beaten the Wolverines in my lifetime, I just can’t quite imagine it. Michigan, 38-35."

What Ben said: "Loss, 31-17. During an in-game interview, Tom Crean reminds viewers multiple times that he is related to one of the head coaches in this game."

What Kyle S. said: "-AN IN COLLEGE WHERE HE WAS A QUARTERBACK. HE HAS RETURNED TO HIS ALMA MATER AS HEAD COACH AND LOOKS TO RESTORE HIS FORMER SCHOOL TO THE POWERHOUSE IT ONCE W-"

What David said: "Tom Crean makes an appearance, supporting both IU and his brother-in-law Jim Harbaugh, as Harbaugh has done so many times for Crean. Only this time, the "FIRE TOM CREANNNN" crowd catches wind of this and demands he be fired, tarred and feathered, and sacrificed as a gesture of good will to the basketball gods. Indiana loses by two touchdowns."

What Kyle R. said: ''i don't know i'm still recovering from that pun michigan i guess, probably"

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YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS! at the Maryland Terrapins

Best Case: Maryland introduces badass, but not well thought-out, uniforms that are literally made of fire and, for obvious reasons, is forced to forfeit.

Worst Case: Indiana leaves town without signing their own Under Armour deal.

What Alex said: "Nope. Wanna go bowling? Have to beat Purdue. 34-20 Terps."

What Ben said: "Loss, 35-23. The final score is disappointing, but a Vine of Zander Diamont attempting to surf in the Potomac afterwards makes up for it."

What Darren R. tweeted: "Maryland wins 34-23 but, more importantly, Indiana needs to sign with Under Armour because they've got some serious domestic momentum with several high-profile signings and this program is in desperate need of the kind of #brand #overhaul that UA can provide."

What David said: "On the cusp of bowl eligibility, Indiana does what it does best, and completely drops the ball. The Hoosiers show some late fight, but never really put a real scare into the Terrapins. Maryland 28, Indiana 17."

What Kyle R. said: "On my schedule this would but Indiana at 6 wins before going into the Purdue game. This won't happen, so, no."

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YOUR INDIANA HOOSIERS! at the Purdue Boilermakers

Best Case: Indiana retains the Old Oaken Bucket for three straight years, something they have been unable to do since the 1940s.

Worst Case: I think "losing to Purdue" is the worst case scenario of any college football team's season.

What Alex said: "Four straight losses. Dwelling at the bottom of the Big Ten. But everything is salvageable. One win over the Boilers sends you to a bowl game. This one’s a laugher. Roll damn Hoosiers. 45-14 Indiana."

What Ben said: "Win, 31-10. With the Hoosiers at 5-6, a bowl berth is on the line for the Bucket game. But there are no late-game heroics needed this time, and Indiana's defense comes up big at opportune moments. The offense does enough to send the Hoosiers to their first bowl in 2007, and they readily accept the opportunity to spend their holidays in lovely... Detroit."

What Kyle S. said: "Hoosiers win 100-0 and the Mitch Daniels / Morgan Burke braintrust thinks Ray Watts was onto something. At 7-5, the Hoosiers head out west for the Foster Farms Bowl which the majority of Hoosier fans hope doesn't conflict with the basketball team's non-conference matchup with a SWAC school."

What David said: "Finally, a Purdue game that means something outside of the Bucket. Indiana does not squander the opportunity to celebrate in West Lafayette, and earns the prestigious honor of being named to the Beef O'Brady Bowl. "

What Kyle R. said: "Indiana wins, because of that one time Travis Miller got BOFA'd on twitter. MOTOR CITY BOWL VERSUS PITT HERE WE COMEEEEEEEEEEEE."

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Final Tallies
ALEX 6-6 (3-5)
BEN 6-6 (3-5)
KYLE S. 7-5 (3-5)
DAVID 6-6 (3-5)
KYLE R. 6-6 (3-5)

These predicted records would elevate Indiana out of the conference basement and into a bowl game, probably on the outside looking in for a playoff invite, though.