Ed note: This column is satirical. All spelling errors are intended, I guess. Just like his father PFT Commenter, Swick cares not about spelling, but about TELLING.
Indiana basketball is about tradition. And banners.
Kids these days, though, they'd just assume take those banners down and use them for doobie papers then kneel down in prayer like any self-respecting TRUE Hoosier fan would do before and after swishing 900 three pointers in their driveway.
And that's the problem with this program. These kids just don't get it.
Devin Davis and Hanner Mosquera-Perea are only the latest in a long line of evidence that more than proves what we have feared for a long time. Honestly it started with guys like Cody Zeller and Victor Oladipo, who were famously kicked out of the program with eligibility remaining, and were then scooped up by the NBA, a basketball league that infamously harbors hundreds of college dropouts as they get their lives together. Kinda like a halfway house but the only lifeskill they teach is giving you millions of dollars which puts the video game of life on easy mode, honestly surprised not more halfway houses do it.
Since those two jokers created a culture of dropping out, guys like Yogi Ferrell, Stanford Robinson, Troy Williams, and the aforementioned Davis and Mosquera-Perea have all been arrested / cited / suspended for some sort of drugs or alcohol or both (hell yeah) and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what all these players have in common:
They're too young, folks.
Indiana last cut down the nets because of an actual championship back in 1987 and these kids were all born in 1995 or something. These players were barely old enough to be properly horrified about Y2K, let alone understanding the depth and nuance of winning a game they've been playing since they could walk. Basketball has not changed since 1987 or really since its invention back in probably the 1600s but I'll bet you $20 if I showed up at Yogi Ferrell's house with a peach basket and challenge him to 1-on-1 he'll just call the cops again.
So with the problem diagnosed, the solution becomes easy: recruit older players. And I don't mean recruit guys that have that "old man at the Y" kind of game, I mean recruit the old man at the Y because he's probably 50 years old and wearing a crew-neck sweatshirt with Bob Knight's picture on it. These guys won't be in the Rivals Top-100 but neither were Steve Alford and Bobby Leonard so I think that more than proves those rankings are junky pseudoscience.
This new roster will play their guts out because they're just thrilled to have the opportunity to not have to go to work for a few months and since they were alive for the last National Championship, they are experts on how to win one. Do you know how many Indiana basketball games these guys have watched? Tom Crean shouldn't be wasting precious recruiting resources watching some 6'7" sharpshooting wing at an AAU tournament, his finest recruits can be found slugging back Bud Light by the gallon at Nick's. Those guys know how to win basketball games.
It's so deeply ingrained in their genetic make-up that they do vocal mental reps while watching the Hoosiers play, dropping such nuggets of valuable basketball wisdom like "pass the ball, Yogi!" or telling a teenager who can bench press 300 pounds that he needs to "get stronger" as he gets hammered by another teenager who can bench press 300 pounds. Why let all this genius and untapped potential go to waste? Get these guys some candy striped pants and let them show this hip-hop generation of ungrateful democrats how real Americans play basketball.