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THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: NEW YORK CITY

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Let's be real, no one actually likes NYC. Come join us as we stop faking it and collectively bash a city to make ourselves feel better.

Andrew Burton/Getty Images

Whoa hey, Indiana's in a bowl game for the first time in almost a decade, you guys! Progress!

The Hoosiers will pack their things and travel to New York City for the Pinstripe Bowl the day after Christmas, because if you want to be in the POSTSEASON, then you ain't got time for FAMILY.

The Hoosiers will take on Duke at Yankee Stadium in front of a lot of alumni, lax bros, and confused New Yorkers. This is an exciting time for Kevin Wilson and the Indiana football program. It's really too bad they have to spend it in such a pit of sadness.

Since we all know New York City from The Day After Tomorrow, there's no need for an introduction to the city. There's a whole lot to get to this week, so as the only member of the CQ staff living in NYC, join me as I dive head first into why this place sucks:

History

What is New York City?

New York is a city on the eastern seaboard most notable for bridging the gap between New Jersey and Long Island. Trying to buck that label, the city picked up a more fitting reputation as the global epicenter for financial corruption and greed. So it should not come as a shock that the very beginnings of this town is based on deceit. In the 17th century, the island of Manhattan was stolen "purchased" from the Native Americans for roughly the equivalent of a few hundred bucks.

Continuing that tradition to today, the Pinstripe Bowl will do its part to join in on the business-at-all-costs attitude as a basketball school from the Midwest will play a football game against a basketball school from the South in a baseball stadium in the Northeast, because, you know, money.

Lodging/Transportation

How should I get there?

Probably fly, I guess, if only to check out any one of the three fabulous airports that are famous for either delays, having no convenient public transit method of getting into the city, or having been compared to "a third world country" by our Vice President.

Are there places to stay?

Yes, there are plenty of options! Here's a quick list of options for you and yours:

1. In tents on the sidewalks of 49th St. with the poor, poor souls that camp out thinking they actually have a chance at getting the mythical overflow tickets to that weekend's SNL.

2.  Get drunk and accidentally fall asleep on the subway, riding back and forth for hours before waking up and finally understanding how shame can physically hurt more than a hangover.

3.  At one of the many hotels where you will pay more dollars per night than square feet in your room. It's not just hotels that are price gouging, though. Check out some of these very real listings for NYC apartments:

(All pics via WorstRoom.com)

Visiting New York City

What is there to do in NYC?

  • Enjoy the unseasonably warm weather while catching scenic views by taking a dip in the beautiful Hudson River. Just make sure you try to avoid the anti-biotic resistant bacteria teeming in the waters due to untreated sewage that is killing all marine life in the river.
  • Walk the city and take in the historic sights, all while you're dripped on from above by what feels like rain even though it is clearly not raining.
Is there anywhere to eat?

Glad you asked, as there happens to be a few places you should check out.

  • NYC is home to some of the finest dining in the world, with world-class chefs doing their thing at Michelin-rated restaurants all across the five boroughs. Even if you could afford it, which you can't, you will never get a reservation, so don't even bother trying. Just enjoy your 99 cent slice of pizza that you bought from the guy next door that looks suspiciously like your landlord.

*** (Don't forget to be a TRUE NEW YORKER and fold the pizza as you eat it, because New Yorkers take pride in only the stupidest shit.)

  • If that doesn't appeal to you, then head over to Guy Fieri's American Kitchen for some big flavors and rockin' tunes. Come on, if this face doesn't appeal to you, then I got nothing for you.

What are the people like?
  • Chat up a local and tell them you're visiting from the Midwest, and watch closely as you should be able to spot the exact moment when they form the opinion that they are better than you.
  • Donald Trump lives here.
  • Accept the infestation of rats everywhere you look, as they have won the war. They are the captain now.

Game Day

Take the subway 4 train uptown toward the Bronx, jampacked with hundreds of other sweaty people, holding onto nothing more than a metal pole that should never be that warm and moist, but fuck it, whatever was on that pole is now a part of you. You will then arrive at a charade of a stadium that is nothing more than a gaudy attempt to make you forget that the true, historic relic of a stadium that bore the same name years ago is now a childrens' soccer field across the street.

After the game ends, head straight for the exits and don't look back. Get the first flight out and leave this godforsaken city before it sucks you in. Go back to your home where you can actually live and breathe and experience the world like a normal human being.

John Steinbeck once wrote "Once you have lived in New York and made it your home, no place else is good enough". Man, what an idiot he was.