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THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: PENN STATE

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WE ARE! PENN STATE! A UTOPIAN CULT SOCIETY!

Matthew O'Haren-USA TODAY Sports

Ed note: I have never been to Pennsylvania, at all. I'm sure it's very nice. Most of these facts are hastily assembled and may or may not be true. I have nothing personal against anyone at Black Shoe Diaries. I like you people. Except Joe Crispin, who can go directly to hell.

HOOOOOWEEEEEEEE BOY IT'S WEEK NINE OF THE INDIANA FOOTBALL SEASON YES WE ARE STILL PLAYING THAT SPORT EVEN THOUGH THE COPPER WIRE IN MEMORIAL STADIUM IS PROBABLY QUITE VALUABLE ARE YOU NOT EXCITED AS I AM HELL YES INDIANA FOOTBALL VICTORY BACON BOWL GAMES AND STUFF

We've officially reached the jumping-off point for Indiana football. Most anyone within fifty miles of Bloomington capable of throwing a forward pass has been maimed, the weather is miserable but not miserable enough to be obliviously drunk in, and basketball just started. LUCKILY WE CAN TURN OUR ATTENTION TO OUR WELL-DISCIPLINED BASKETBALL PROGRAM.

Still, we are contractually obligated* to tell you all the things that suck about Penn State. Here's an extremely half-assed HATER'S GUIDE to PENN STATE, which won't be funny at all because I spent all my energy live tweeting Tom Crean media sessions this week.

SMH BET CREAN WON'T TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THIS EITHER. The HATER'S GUIDE to PENN STATE, featuring TWO KYLES THIS WEEK. We may not have jurisdiction to hate on Penn State, so consider this a bluff.

HISTORY

What is a Penn State?

Penn State was founded in 1855 and immediately hired Joe Paterno to be the head coach of their football team. The hire was lambasted in the press as Paterno was already 67 years old at the time. Some time after the Industrial Revolution but before the robots eventually take full control of the planet, the Nittany Lions selected Bill O'Brien to replace Paterno strictly because he yelled at Tom Brady on the sidelines once, as a coach for the New England Patriots. After two years, O'Brien decided that moving to Houston and dealing with Ryan Fitzpatrick as a QB was FAR PREFERABLE to remaining in Happy Valley with sneaky-bad signal caller Christian Hackenberg.

With their previous criteria of "coaches who yelled at Tom Brady" proving to be a bust, the school turned to a second formula "coaches who just won the BBVA Compass Bowl" and went with James Franklin and HERE WE ARE.

Are there any famous people from Penn State?

Well let's allow Google to help us out here.

pennstatelaum

This is ... uh ... this is really great Penn State. These are a collection of some, um, great people that anyone who is anyone would totally recognize via name or face alone. All of these people ... contributed ... to ... things.

I'm sure the Alumni Association dinners are a riot.

VISITING PENN STATE

How do I get to Penn State?

Great question! "Happy Valley" is a utopian society inaccessible to the general public for purposes such as tourism. You may only enter the town by joining the cult, which requires Football Coach/Mayor/Church Elder/Overlord James Franklin adjudging your wife or girlfriend to be worthy enough to bear his children.

As far as directions, head west from Philly or east from Pittsburgh until the cold, dark cloak of insignificance that you'll find in central PA wraps itself around your soul, usually right around any of the 600 State Forests that make-up the majority of the landscape.

Is there anything exciting to do in State College?

They have Mount Nittany. It is not a mountain. It is a big-ass hill. Going to see a hill is a very boring, stupid thing to do. Do not go visit Mount Nittany. It is #4 on TripAdvisor's "STUFF TO DO IN STATE COLLEGE", right after the university, an arboretum (field with trees) at the university, and the university's hockey rink.

At #9 is the STONE VALLEY RECREATION CENTER which may sound lame but wait until you see the amazing reviews:

stonewhatever

COACH FRANKLIN GONNA LEAD STONE VALLEY RECREATIONAL CENTER OUT OF THE DARK DAYS AND BACK INTO WINNING RECREATIONAL AREA CHAMPIONSHIPS. HE'S THE RIGHT HIRE. HACKENBERG IS AN INTERESTING CHOICE FOR DIRECTOR OF MAINTENANCE BUT I TRUST THE COACHING STAFF.

Is there any good eatin' in State College?

Penn State people think they have the best ice cream. Michigan State people also think they have very good ice cream. This is a really stupid debate, because ice cream is ice cream. If you put cookie dough in it, it is good ice cream. If it is is mint chocolate chip, it is bad ice cream. The ice cream in State College is probably very good, as it is in all other places. Penn State people -- please stop bragging about your ice cream, as it is ice cream*.

*NOTE: None of this applies if the "ice cream" is actually "sorbet/sherbet/sherbert," in which case it is not ice cream at all and is disgusting frozen lowfat fruit-milk. If the "ice cream" is actually "frozen custard," promptly move to Iowa.

(EDITOR-IN-CHIEF'S NOTE: Robbins' opinions on sorbet are not the views of TCQ. These outlandish remarks are unacceptable and his punishment will be handled internally.)

Is their football team any good?

Nope.

Are they still going to beat the Hoosiers?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

.... yeah.