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BREAKING: Indiana football hires Curt Cignetti as head coach

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NICE NO/MEAN NO: STEVE ALFORD

NOPE GET OUT NO THANKS NO SIR ABSOLUTELY NOT

By Kyle Swick and Kyle Robbins
Andrew Fielding-USA TODAY Sports

After Indiana's inexcusable loss to Eastern Washington, Indiana University fans broke out the ol' "how to deal with a bad loss" playbook and called for the immediate firing / resignation / citizen's arrest of Tom Crean. Which is fine, whatever. Y'all can do that. Indiana fans are an impatient and passionate bunch. It's kind of endearing, but also terrifying, and also hilarious.

HOWEVER, Last night took a darker turn then usual. Outside of the typical "get rid of Crean and replace him with the 1980s version of Bob Knight that is likely being kept preserved in the tunnels underneath campus," some Hoosiers began calling for a familiar face, a "prodigal son," to come home and restore the glory of old IU.

alford

Is this a minority of fans? Sure. Is it a growing minority? OH GOD MAYBE. We here at TCQ can't stand idly by and let this happen without giving you all a talking to first. What do you do if this topic comes up at work? Or worse, the Thanksgiving dinner table with Uncle Ricky from Seymour? There's a couple ways to go about this and we'll show you how to handle both. Inspired by Spencer Hall and Ryan Nanni at Every Day Should Be Saturday, Kyle Swick will give you the NICE NO TO STEVE ALFORD, and Kyle Robbins the MEAN NO TO NEW CASTLE DANNY ZUKO.

SWICK: Steve Alford is my first choice when I need someone to hit some big free throws in a tight game late OR when I need someone to mishandle an incredibly sensitive sexual assault case about a star player. But when it comes to winning games in the Big Ten, I'm not sure a guy who compiled a 61-67 record over the course of eight seasons, with only one season exceeding nine wins and only three winning conference seasons overall is the best option.

ROBBINS: NO NO NO HELL NO NOT IN HERE YOU BEST WIPE YOUR FEET AT THE DOOR BEFORE YOU WALK ON THIS CARPET SON. Steve Alford is a severely flood-damaged 1996 Chrysler Sebring*. You buy the thing well-knowing it won't work, but HEY IT WAS MADE IN NEW CASTLE THOUGH. Read the Carfax, and don't make a dumb purchase.

*Sebring has better Big Ten career winning percentage

SWICK: The idea that it takes an "Indiana guy" to succeed at Indiana is dangerous. It closes off the vast majority of supremely qualified candidates at best and leaves us with a bunch of guys who wouldn't sniff the job without the IU pedigree at worst. I think we're cutting closer to the latter here. Why else are we clamoring to replace a guy for not getting past the Sweet Sixteen nor winning consistently at a B1G level with a guy who can't get past the Sweet Sixteen nor win consistently at a B1G level? You are now realizing the only difference between Steven Alford's and Tom Crean's résumés, to date, is Alford made a bunch of three-pointers for Indiana in the eighties instead of coaching a team to a Final Four.

ROBBINS: You know, you're right, it is important for Indiana to KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY AND RE-UNITE HOOSIER NATION. WE NEED A SON OF KNIGHT. After all, the good programs have ALWAYS hired one of their own to lead their programs. THE GOOD COACHES KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO WIN AT THERE, as is evidenced by:

get out

SWICK: If you're still thinking "Steve Alford would be a great hire for Indiana" at this point, I'll toss out some numbers that will likely prevent this from materializing anytime in the near future. It may not do any good, because if you still want Alford at this point, you may very well be illiterate. Alford's buyout at UCLA is over ten million dollars and if you want to replace Crean with him after this season, you're paying Tom's massive buyout as well; meaning it would cost the school close to twenty million dollars total to pull that off, and that's before you start even paying the new guy. That's an awful lot of cheese for a coach whose only claim to tournament fame, thus far, is being the only guy to lose to a 14-seed twice. You think you were mad after the Syracuse loss? How about being a trendy Final Four pick and getting nipped by Harvard in the first round?

ROBBINS:

SWICK: This isn't 2008 anymore. This job has not been left for dead and effectively radioactive because of NCAA sanctions and roster unknowns that tempered the coaching search back when Tom Crean was hired. Indiana does not have to get cute with this search. You don't have to settle for guys with Alford's résumé just because they have "Indiana ties." If you must fire your coach and find a new one, why not come on back and try on a Sean Miller or Gregg Marshall? I think we may have a Shaka Smart in your size as well, and I know we should be getting a Brad Stevens in sometime in the next couple of years, maybe try that if you're still looking and---

...uh, what? You want to see a WHO now?

fife

Call Security.

ROBBINS: OH LOOK HERE IS A COLUMN FROM BRUINS NATION ON STEVE ALFORD FILED UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "UCLA ADMINISTRATIVE FAILURES." I DO NOT WANT TO YELL BUT YOU DO NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A BAD IDEA. STEVE ALFORD SEEMS TO BE VERY BAD AT WINNING BASKETBALL GAMES OUTSIDE OF DIVISION THREE AND THE LAND OF ENCHANTMENT. DIDN'T Y'ALL WATCH THE 30-FOR-30 ON REGGIE MILLER THINGS WORK OUT BETTER WHEN ROVELL-LOOK-ALIKE IS LEFT LIKE RADIOACTIVE WASTE IN THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST. NO TAKE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT DIRECTLY INTO THE TRASH CAN WITH YOUR TURKEY. SPEAKING OF THIS CHRISSY TIEGEN WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON TURKEY AS AN ENTREE?

"ALFORD TO INDIANA" IN THE TRASH, WITH THE TURKEY, NOW.

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