THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: IOWA

Ed Note: You know the drill. Some of these things are true. Others are not. Ask Black Heart Gold Pants. Blah blah blah.

It's WEEK SIX of the Indiana Football season and it's time for another fun-filled B1G road trip!

LET'S GO TO IOWA*.

*Note: No one has said these words in sequence, ever.

HISTORY

What is an Iowa City?

Great question! Contrary to popular knowledge, Iowa City was first settled in the mid-17th century by French traders led by Jacques Cartier. Seeing no other use for the cold barren land, Cartier christened the settlement as a placed to dump criminals and other undesirables before proceeding westward. Around 16 months after establishing the camp, Cartier and his men returned through the area, only to find all but a handful of those they had left had died of a serious food-borne illness. A man quick on his feet, Cartier exclaimed, "Good heavens! These folks must have caught the Iowa. We must depart immediately and forewarn all future travelers of this hazard." The Iowa was a rare French food-borne illness acquired from improperly prepared pork-and-beans. Staying true to his word to warn all future travelers to stay away, Cartier named the settlement Iowa City.

Does Iowa City claim any famous folks?

Why, of course! Per Wikipedia, there are many A-LIST celebrities from Iowa City, such as:

• Former Masters Champion Zach Johnson, who is definitely from Cedar Rapids, but close enough

• Cardinals pitcher Michael Wacha. IOWA PEOPLE ARE BFIBs!

• Trivia question answer Brad Lohaus

• Bad actor/baby-maker Ashton Kutcher

• dude who got famous from marrying Roseanne Barr

• and this guy:

VISITING IOWA CITY

How do I get to Iowa City?

Unfortunately, Iowa City floods often. How does one get around in this area then?

I DON'T KNOW BUT HERE"S KIRK FERENTZ IN A FLYING HOVERCRAFT WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MIGHT YOU CALL IT THE HAWKERCRAFT, KIRK?

*probably not Kirk Ferentz

What is there to do for fun in Iowa City?

Many things. Let's go check out TripAdvisor.com for some trip advising!

First, you'll check out the game at NILES KINNICK STADIUM, of course.

But you knew that. What else, TRIPADVISOR?

That's cool, but come on! It's Saturday! How about something a little more exciting!

uh

....................

Guh. Iowa is boring Indiana.

Is there any good eatin' in Iowa City?

Well, let's see what Iowa is known, according to Wikipedia:

The cuisine of Iowa includes the pork tenderloin sandwich, consisting of a lean section of boneless pork loin that is pounded flat, breaded, and deep fried before being served on a seeded hamburger bun.

HMMMMM WHERE HAVE I HEARD OF THAT BEFORE, IOWA. SEEMS LIKE A VERY ORIGINAL DISH.

what else

Iowa is also the center for creamed corn production and consumption.

haha

The Des Moines area also has the highest rate of Jell-O consumption per capita.

hoooooooohehahahehe

Iowa is the center for loose-meat sandwiches.

"loose-meat sandwiches" lord what a delicacy

A unique food native to the Iowa State Fair that has spread all over the state and some neighboring states is the "Walking Taco". It consists of a bag of Doritos topped with taco seasoned hamburger .

What in the full hell, Iowa.

That was the saddest food-related paragraph I have ever read, and I am from Indiana.

THEIR FOOTBALL TEAM

Is their football team any good?

Define "good."