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THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: MICHIGAN STATE

GETTING THE NOROVIRUS FROM CARRABBA'S ITALIAN GRILL WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY

By Kyle Robbins
Gregory Shamus

Ed note: Yes, we know it's a home game. We started doing this thing weeks ago, kept the name, and we don't know why. I don't actually know a thing about East Lansing. All of these facts are hastily assembled and may or may not be devoid of any truth. Our friends at The Only Colors are pretty cool. To you guys: I don't mean this. Or at least not all of it.

SO LAST WEEK WENT DIDN'T IT GUYS, AMIRITE? HUH, HUH?

/pipes burst, ceiling falls in, poop goes everywhere

Before we get started with this weeks HATIN', I need to confess something.

Yes, I did it. I did it in the name of journalism.

I abandoned the final quarter of an Indiana football game to watch a Purdue football game. In person.

While you were watching our now jello-armed quarterback walk to the locker room while getting run by the nation's leading consumers of jello-per-capita, I chose to do some REAL BOOTS ON THE GROUND REPORTING and do some first-hand scouting of our next opponent, Michigan State, and their fan-folk.

Here at CQ, we thought this would be a great opportunity to tell a unique story about my gameday experience on the Purdue campus in a measured, balanced, and intelligent way.

And that's exactly what we brought you on Saturday:

We wanted to take you right down on the field...

and bring you inside the Michigan State program like no one has before.

Here at CrimsonQuarry.com, service journalism is not dead. NOW LET'S GET HATIN':

HISTORY

What is a Michigan State?

Great question! The state of Michigan gets its name from the orignal English/French colony in the area -- Isspissagin. In the 17th century, French-Canadian fur trader Jacques Cleaves (pronounced clay-'AHVZ) and his men crossed into what is present-day Michigan. They pressed south until happening upon a camp in an area today known as "Flint" having already been established by the men of English explorer Sir Charles Bell. Despite their differences, Cleaves and Bell became great friends and began constructing a settlement upon the site. However, the men often complained of the area's distinct scent of urine. The area had a extraordinarily high population of feral cats, which would run together in packs and often urinate in the beds of the men, confusing the sheets for loose soil. One night as the men prepared for bed, Bell remarked to Cleaves, "Hey, Jacques, what should we call this here land?" Cleaves replied "Well, how ab--AWW DAMMIT, ISSSPISSAGAIN." Isspissagin, and eventually Michigan, had received its name.

Are there any famous folks from East Lansing/Michigan State?

Of course! East Lansing has given us:

RHQ

  • very rich person and Google founder Larry Page
  • and Nate Silver

Let's talk about Nate Silver. This is your cardinal sin, East Lansing. You gave us MEGANERD DATA-GOD and now everything is NUMBERS. Maybe SOME OF US DOWN HERE IN INDIANER don't wanna make everything about "maths" all the time and we just wanna watch our FOOTBALL without some NERD telln' us about quarterback-steps-per-drop-back-pro-rata and how it effects wins-over-replacement.

Okay, that's exaggerated. The problem isn't Nate Silver, but what Nate Silver birthed: the idea that now YOU TOO can be an expert on analytics! There are a handful of people that have made a name doing this sort of thing, and do it well, like our own Bill Connelly. They are smart and are good at numbers and understand what said numbers mean. But for god sakes NOW Johnny-Bob from Mooresville is armed with PFF-ish stats when calling talk radio shows, making said caller instantly incorrigible. WELL FISCH I SAW THAT COLEMAN ONLY GRADED OUT AT A -57 IN THE RUNS BETWEEN LEFT GUARD AND CENTER CATEGORY LOOKS LIKE WE SHOULD BENCH HIM FROM D'ANGELO RIGHT? You know the talk-radio caller I'm talking about. This guy. This is what you did Nate Silver. And Nate Silver is from East Lansing. SO WE BLAME YOU, SPARTY.

*Rich Homie Quan from East Atlanta, not East Lansing.

VISITING EAST LANSING

How Do I Get to East Lansing?

I-69, which is terrible and awful. Also, on the whole, Michigan people cannot drive. I have no evidence to support this.

What is there to do in East Lansing?

There are many fun things to do in East Lansing, Michigan! Per wikipedia, you could go on a safari:

The 1963 elephant rampage in East Lansing, Michican refers to an incident in late September 1963 in that city. A 12 year old, 3,000 pound female dancing elephant named Rajee (alternately reported as Raji, Little Rajjee, among other variations) rebelled against her trainer during a performance in a shopping center circus, and escaped into the streets of Lansing, Michigan aggravated by the frenzied pursuit of nearly 4,000 local residents. The incident ended tragically with the shooting of the elephant by local police. Provoked by the growing crowd, her rampage took her through the Men's wear, sporting goods and gift departments of a local Arlan's discount store, before leading police on a two-mile chase in which Rajje knocked down and injured a 67 year-old man, tried to move a car, and caused thousands of dollars in damage before being subdued.

ELEPHANTS RUNNING ALL OVER A BUNCH OF PEOPLE FROM EAST LANSING HMMMMM LESSEEE WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS NARRATIVE BEFORE

SMH. Typical Michigan State football. Never can get it done on THE BIG STAGE.

Is there any good eatin' in East Lansing?

Sure! East Lansing is known for its many restaurants that will help you QUICKLY lose weight. May we suggest Carrabba's Italian Grill? Whatever your taste, you'll feel right at home in East Lansing, as you can find many of your HOMETOWN HOOSIER favorites just a short distance away, such as:

  • TGI Friday's
  • Applebee's
  • Cracker Barrel
  • O' Charley's

THE PEOPLE

How are the folks from East Lansing?

Michigan State fans have been, by in large, some of the most pleasant and welcoming people I have met across college athletics. This is in no way a compliment. My composite image of a Michigan State fan is a very friendly, bearded mid-30's, slightly overweight (but not very overweight) white male that works a slightly-above-average to above-average job in downtown Grand Rapids. The guy that will buy you a beer at the bar, ask you about your mother's health, and compliment your wife's dress in a completely non-sexual fashion. State fans welcomed me with open arms at last year's B1G Championship and last weekend. They are, by in large, slightly awkward and pasty white, but some of the most geniunely and courteous-while-drunk people I've ever met.

This is your flaw, Sparty people. BE JUST...SOMETHING. I don't have any reason to hate you AND THAT'S MY JOB. You are boringly nice -- the cottage cheese of the Big Ten Fan diet.

And I like cottage cheese -- a lot.

THE FOOTBALL TEAM

Well, is their football team any good?

lol yea

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