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THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE: NORTH TEXAS

I THINK NATIONAL KALE DAY IS A GREAT TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE MEAN GREENS DON'T YOU HAR HAR HAR

By Kyle Robbins

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Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Ed note: Today we return to your regularly scheduled CQ programming -- our weekly HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE. As always, all of these facts are completely made up and you should take them as such. Well, most of them, at least. We have nothing against you, North Texas. Don't take it that personally. Oh, and remember, #LetHerKick.

It's WEEK FIVE of the Hoosier football season and the fourth installment of everyone's favorite CQ feature: THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE. Last week, we learned that there are multiple College Parks and having gobs and gobs of money and an unending pot of uniforms from one of the world's largest athletic apparel companies should probably make you better at winning football games than other team. BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

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OFFICIALS IN YOUR BACK POCKET? LOOKS LIKE WE'VE FOUND THE SMOKING GUN HERE, MARYLAND. SMH

/wait, no, please don't go look at the box score, we're serious, the officials definitely mattered, no really just tru...

Yeah, okay, maybe not.

Moving on. THIS WEEK: NORTH TEXAS.

HISTORY

What is a North Texas?

Great question, because this is something people ACTUALLY LIVING IN NORTH TEXAS can't understand. For those living in Dallas, Fort Worth, or the surrounding area, North Texas is a synonym for the Metroplex -- which is the most Dallas thing ever. Last week, some dude told me he was from "North Texas" and he couldn't understand why I found this incredibly unspecific. NO WORRIES. Microsoft Paint is here to explain!

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Saying you are from "North Texas" gives the same specificity of saying you are from "Central Mongolia."

All of this comes back to the LOOK AT ME nature of the Metroplex. No city does self-importance like Dallas.  Forget Texas secession, deep down in its heart the Metroplex wants to be an independent city-state. Dallas-folk would legitimately defend this stance, "Well, yanno, we've got oil wealth and such a football recruiting base, DEFINITELY SOME SIMILARITIES TO SPARTA IMO." Dallas is PFT Commenter in a cowboy hat.

(Disclaimer: The University of North Texas is in Denton, which is kind of Dallas, but not really. Whatever.)

Are there any famous folks from North Texas? (like, the actual school?)

Actually yes! Many dignitaries are MEAN GREENS. Such as:

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STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

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DR. PHIL!

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AND MEAT LOAF!

There are no jokes here. You're welcome for your next season ticket campaign, North Texas Athletics.

VISITING NORTH TEXAS

How do I get to North Texas?

Well, we would presume you would take a flight from whererever into Dall--OH GOD NO WAIT LET'S NOT DO THAT.

What is there to do for fun in North Texas?

Nothing. Nothing positive or good has come out of the Metroplex, ever. Here's a partial list of DFW's contributions to American society:

  • Lee Harvey Oswald
  • This mess.
  • Game-ending interceptions
  • The bolo tie
  • Dorrough
  • Tex-Mex Heartburn
  • Frozen margaritas
  • Skip Bayless
  • Vanilla Ice
  • Ebola
WHAT CULTURE THE DALLASIANS HAVE PROVIDED US. Don't go.

Is there any good eatin' in North Texas?

Granted, there's no reason to panic about Ebola. With common precaution, most Americans will not be in danger. Check out this chart our friends at Vox made:

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But, really. Sit down. Let's have a talk about Tex-Mex.

Yeah, I too enjoy the occasional Tex-Mex dish, fajitas, chile con whatever, sure. But it's just not worth it. The human body was not created to eat Tex-Mex regularly, if ever. But we still do it, because instant gratification and short memory. Walking out of the restaurant you feel good. Nice and full, a little buzz from your frozen margarita (which is a waste of a perfectly good regular margarita), you think you're in for a good night. Yet, little you remember, that three hours from now you will be aroused from sleep with the heat of one-thousand suns burning behind your breastbone. Tex-Mex is the heartburn from hell. Quetzalcoatl's vengeance for dudes like JR Ewing butchering the food of his native land. You could eat a friggin' Tums factory -- it still won't go way. Soon, you'll lose 15% of your body weight to unending night sweats, get no sleep, and wake up the next morning swearing off Tex-Mex forever. Until the next week. Rinse, repeat.
THEIR FOOTBALL TEAM

I don't know. They score points. Go ask Ben.

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