Ed note: Today we return to your regularly scheduled CQ programming -- our weekly HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE. As always, all of these facts are completely made up and you should take them as such. Well, most of them, at least. We have nothing against you, North Texas. Don't take it that personally. Oh, and remember, #LetHerKick.
It's WEEK FIVE of the Hoosier football season and the fourth installment of everyone's favorite CQ feature: THE HATER'S TRAVEL GUIDE. Last week, we learned that there are multiple College Parks and having gobs and gobs of money and an unending pot of uniforms from one of the world's largest athletic apparel companies should probably make you better at winning football games than other team. BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
OFFICIALS IN YOUR BACK POCKET? LOOKS LIKE WE'VE FOUND THE SMOKING GUN HERE, MARYLAND. SMH
/wait, no, please don't go look at the box score, we're serious, the officials definitely mattered, no really just tru...
Yeah, okay, maybe not.
Moving on. THIS WEEK: NORTH TEXAS.
What is a North Texas?
Great question, because this is something people ACTUALLY LIVING IN NORTH TEXAS can't understand. For those living in Dallas, Fort Worth, or the surrounding area, North Texas is a synonym for the Metroplex -- which is the most Dallas thing ever. Last week, some dude told me he was from "North Texas" and he couldn't understand why I found this incredibly unspecific. NO WORRIES. Microsoft Paint is here to explain!
Saying you are from "North Texas" gives the same specificity of saying you are from "Central Mongolia."
All of this comes back to the LOOK AT ME nature of the Metroplex. No city does self-importance like Dallas. Forget Texas secession, deep down in its heart the Metroplex wants to be an independent city-state. Dallas-folk would legitimately defend this stance, "Well, yanno, we've got oil wealth and such a football recruiting base, DEFINITELY SOME SIMILARITIES TO SPARTA IMO." Dallas is PFT Commenter in a cowboy hat.
(Disclaimer: The University of North Texas is in Denton, which is kind of Dallas, but not really. Whatever.)
Are there any famous folks from North Texas? (like, the actual school?)
Actually yes! Many dignitaries are MEAN GREENS. Such as:
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!
AND MEAT LOAF!
There are no jokes here. You're welcome for your next season ticket campaign, North Texas Athletics.
VISITING NORTH TEXAS
How do I get to North Texas?
Well, we would presume you would take a flight from whererever into Dall--OH GOD NO WAIT LET'S NOT DO THAT.
What is there to do for fun in North Texas?
Nothing. Nothing positive or good has come out of the Metroplex, ever. Here's a partial list of DFW's contributions to American society:
- Lee Harvey Oswald
- This mess.
- Game-ending interceptions
- The bolo tie
- Frozen margaritas
- Skip Bayless
- Vanilla Ice
THEIR FOOTBALL TEAM
I don't know. They score points. Go ask Ben.