With the opening of the college football season now days away, it's high time for every college football computist to arbitrarily rank things that in no way have any way of being measured.
BEST BROADCAST TEAMS. BEST IN-STADIUM FOOD. BEST FANS.
(All of these are Bleacher Report slideshows where a minimum of two photos will be misidentified.)
Yeah, we're not doing that. Each year as Indiana Football seasons approach, this topic almost always comes up. Is Indiana really the worst program in the history of major conference football? My answer has always been the same. Yes. This is undeniable, indisputable fact. No human I have ever had this conversation with has accepted this. WELL DUKE KINDA SUX, IUNNO THERES GOTTA BE SOMEBODY. The explanation for why this is true requires a full 20-minute conversation -- something I do not have time for standing at a Broad Ripple urinal at 2am.
I am tired of receiving this question. Today, we shall put this to bed. Please use this article in replying to friends, family, and drunk dudes at bars who have ever disputed this fact. Time for a little ROLE PLAY:
SETTING: Crowded bar bathroom. 1:30am. A random patron strikes up conversation with me in line while waiting to do our business. Loyal Hoosier fan, frequent Finebaum caller. Never actually gets through to PAWWWWL, because Indiana Football.
So Kyle, over the course of history, what's the worst power conference football program?
Indiana. This is undeniable fact.
But maaaaaaan, you can't prove that? You just a hater like that Bayless dude on the TV!
(Note: Indiana has never been relevant enough to be mentioned by Skip Bayless. This, itself, is sad.)
Actually, I can. Here, take a look at this table:
|Win %||Conf Titles||Bowl Wins||Bowl Games||Years of Existence|
|Wake Forest||0.41||2 (2006)||6 (2008)||10 (2011)||126|
|Kansas State||0.445||6 (2012)||7 (2013)||17 (2013)||118|
|Iowa State||0.456||2 (1912)||3 (2009)||12 (2012)||122|
|Oregon State||0.484||5 (2000)||11 (2013)||17 (2013)||121|
|Mississippi St.||0.485||1 (1941)||11 (2013)||18 (2013)||119|
|Washington State||0.488||4 (2002)||6 (2003)||11 (2013)||121|
|Duke||0.49||17 (1989)||3 (1961)||10 (2013)||126|
|Kansas||0.495||8 (1968)||6 (2008)||12 (2008)||124|
|Kentucky||0.495||2 (1976)||8 (2008)||14 (2010)||122|
|Vanderbilt||0.5||14 (1922)||4 (2013)||6 (2013)||124|
|Rutgers||0.508||4 (2012)||5 (2011)||9 (2013)||145|
These are historically some of the worst programs in college football. Please note Indiana's location on this chart & how they stack up to these other programs.
But see! You said Indiana was the worst program! They ain't even at the top, Wake Forest is! YOU WRONG BOY.
Well, actually I am not. That is only one category -- winning percentage. Over the course of time, Wake Forest has won approximately 41% of their games to Indiana's 42%. But as you can see in the chart, Wake Forest has had more success in other categories -- including their 11-win 2006 ACC Championship Season in which they played in the Orange Bowl. You should also note that Wake Forest is a small private institution about one-tenth the size of Indiana.
Here maybe this chart will help put this data in to context for you:
|Win %||Conf Titles||Last CT||Bowl Win||Last BW||Bowl Games||Last BG||TOTAL|
Here, I gave each team a point-value score for where they stand in each stat category. As you can tell, no team has been more across-the-board awful over the last hundred-some-odd years than your Indiana Hoosiers -- and it's really not even close. However, I guess you could make some sort of an argument for Iowa State being....
SEE! So Iowa State? I told you...
Iowa State has been to 8 bowl games since 2000.
Indiana has been to 9 bowl games since 1900.
DERRR well that's BS. Those numbers are wrong. When did Duke and Vandy win those titles?
You are correct there -- kind of. Vanderbilt did win all of their conference titles before they entered the SEC, and Duke won 10 of their 17 in the old Southern Conference. However, Duke has won modern-era titles in the ACC as late as 1989 & a divisional championship last season. Also, Vanderbilt has had recent success as well -- with back to back 9 win seasons.
Modern-era aside, Duke and Vanderbilt were fairly dominant in the early years of college football through the '20s. You likely want to discount this period, but Indiana had the same opportunity to have this level of success -- as all these teams were established in the late 1800s. Instead, Indiana was getting waxed by modern-day Division III schools such as University of Chicago and Wabash College.
Well, you ain't even list everybody on here! I KNOW Purdue has ALWAYS sucked.
Well, whatever boy.
Read this every Saturday morning. It'll make losing to MAC teams -- while scoring 50 points a game -- easier.