All right, you black and yella sons of bitches. Let's dance.
As we all know, it's Hate Week here at the Quarry, and we've been enjoying a festive Friday full of japery and fun with our friendly rivals from the north, the Purdue Boilermakers. But how well do we really know Purdue? Do any of us Hoosiers truly understand the Boilermaker psyche? How exactly do you wrap your head around stuff like this? Well, I think I've figured out a way for you to conceptualize Boilermaker life and wonder no longer about what's eating the Gilbert Grapes of West Lafayette. All you have to do is look across the Pacific at a friendly little country called North Korea.
WELCOME TO THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE'S UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA
The similarities are striking when you really delve below the surface. Paranoia is not the only factor that unites these seemingly disparate peoples.
CITY PLANNING, or HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE MY HIDEOUS UNIVERSITY EVEN THOUGH I'M AN ARCHITECT AND SHOULD REALLY KNOW BETTER
Riddle me this: Which of these cities is a grim Communist showpiece national capital, and which is West Lafayette, Indiana?
Take your time. I'll give you a hint: West Lafayette doesn't have high-rises.
TRAINS! GLORIOUS TRAINS!
Communists and Boilermakers love their fuckin' trains. Kim Il-Sung thought Comrade Stalin's Glorious People's Subways were too good an idea not to borrow, along with the lavish subway stations that remind the People every day just how awesome is to be North Korean. Bonus awesomeness: the train stations are 150 feet underground and double as bomb shelters in case of nuclear attack by American Imperialist Pigs!
I guess the Boilers didn't want to feel left out. Boilermakers often feel that way. BEHOLD THE GLORY OF THE BOILERMAKER SPECIAL MARK V. Eat your heart out, Trans-Siberian Railway.
True, they don't have a glorious nuclear-bomb-proof subway station for it, but they do have a couple Subway restaurants nearby, so that's cool too.
YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO LIVE/WIN A NATIONAL TITLE, aka ARDUOUS MARCH? MORE LIKE ARDUOUS MARCH MADNESS
In the early 1990s, North Korea experienced an epic conjunction of unfortunate events: the collapse of the Soviet Union, unforeseen flooding caused in part by record floods and by unforeseen consequences of the construction of the West Sea Barrage, and bureaucratic incompetence and corruption that even Eastern Bloc nations would gape at. Rather than seek openly seek international aid, North Korean leaders adopted austerity measures that boiled down to this: Let's Eat Only Two Meals A Day! Seriously. This is actually a really horrible, ongoing problem. As a direct result of over two decades of malnutrition, the average North Korean is five inches shorter than his brother in South Korea and some estimates point to a death toll of between 900,000 and 3.5 million people. The disparity in the numbers is owed to the fact that North Korea would rather watch its people starve than allow any cracks in the facade presented to the outside world that everything is fucking awesome and groovy, you guys.
On second thought, I don't want to post any pictures of emaciated Korean children on what is supposed to be, after all, a satirical blog post about some stupid basketball teams.
Really it's just a roundabout (and actually, rather cruel, in retrospect) way of getting to the point that Purdue's team is rather undersized this year, at least in terms of the players who see the most minutes and make the biggest impact. A big part of that is owed to the departure of E'twaun Moore and JuJuan Johnson to the NBA. Also, I've never met a Purdue fan who was taller than me, and I'm 5' 8" on a good day. Go figure.
Um, yes. Point made. Moving on.
Something funny, something funny...oh yes!
THE HAMMER IS MY PENIS
Moving right along, duggy-dum, duggy-dum.
AN INTRODUCTION TO THE JUCHE PHILOSOPHY, or WINNING THE PURDUE WAY
Sometimes you feel like you can't catch a break. Like the whole world is set against you. Nobody appreciates all the awesome things you've done. The breaks never go in your favor; in fact, they break your heart...or other vital body parts. Too often, you see your accomplishments overshadowed by those of others. Psssh. What's so great about them, anyway? What have they done lately besides that? A lot of nothin', that's what.
Luckily, there's a philosophy written just for you! Our buddies in the DPRK come through again! Juche teaches that man is the master of his world, and that Korea can and must raise itself from the ashes by looking within and drawing on your abundant natural resources and people power. Screw the outside world! There's no reason at all to have to trade with anyone or look beyond our borders for any reason. Except military and food aid from China. And selling opium. Shut up.
Purdue is on board! Five-star players? We don't need no stinkin' five-star players. We'll get it done with sound defense, especially on the inside. And there's no way Indiana can beat us! We are so awesome, and they've been terrible for three years, and after Sampson, they should by rights should be terrible forever! Those hilljacks ain't got nothin on us! I guarantee that we will have no problem winni...
BUT WHAT'S THE MORAL OF THE STORY, LONESTAR?
I'm glad you asked that, Dear Reader. The moral of this story is that we should't be made afraid by the crazy shit that our friends from Purdue like to say. After all, it's fair to point out that they have beaten us for the last three years and we have been, to put it mildly, fucking terrible. And this season, though full of high points, is also beginning to show the serious weaknesses that still plague our beloved Hoosiers. Are we really "back?" Back to being relevant, certainly, but not all the way back to where we want to be, not yet. Indiana may have the slightly better team on paper, and they have Cody Zeller. But, they travel to an extremely hostile environment tomorrow to take on a team that's desperate for a win over a bitter rival and a ranked team, hopefully at the same time. Win or lose, we always hope they will show the fight and smart decisions that indicate they are on the path to bigger and better things than just West Lafayette, Indiana.
But we should also take a moment to remember our brothers in the North. As we have seen, they have proven their worth to Indiana and the nation, and if they win tomorrow, they will once again prove to be worthy adversaries. Let's now take a moment to sing their praises.